The Princess: Her story. Ch. 3

After an eternity spent waiting locked up in a castle,
The Princess is finally able to see the sunlight and feel its warmth.
Though her Prince Charming never reached her,
She managed to swallow her disappointment and pain.
Day after day.
Week after week.
Month after month.
Year after year.
The Princess sat patiently through her tears and moments of vulnerability,
But now she is able to stand and fight for herself.
After all that time she has finally come to understand that he would never come to her rescue, and perhaps he wasn't who she thought he was.
She fell inlove with the Prince, but he has fallen under a spell that has made him into something that contradicts everything she's ever believed in.
Knowing this, the Princess managed to find the strength within to save herself.
Her obsessive dependence of him would be no more.
By herself she broke the chains that bounded her to her own helplessness.
She kicked down the doors that locked her away.
She tore down the walls which detained her.
By herself...
She was able to escape such a place of sadness and terror.
There was no typical happy ending for her,
But this story is yet to be finished...

Wearing your emotions.

When someone hurts us,
We try to hide the hurt we feel from the one who caused us the pain.
Our pride stands in the way of showing how we truly feel,
Because we don't want to show how weak we become.
But when it comes to me,
I don't really seem to mind.
Everything i feel i post publicly,
If not, i just wear my emotions on my face.
Perhaps that creates an advantage to those who are wanting to hurt me,
Because then they'd know what would cause me to break.
But even with knowing that,
I don't really care.
A lot of people have seen how pitiful i can be sometimes,
And i'm okay with it.
My vulnerability is something i accept.
Of course, it's always easier to lie and act,
Rather than facing all the judgmental eyes out there.
But if you're able to stand it, then why care?
I complain a lot about my life,
So i guess that explains why i write so many blogs.
Its not that i'm after attention or sympathy,
It's just something i'm used to.
I'm an open person,
And i don't mind sharing how i feel and what i'm thinking.
Sometimes it's not really that i'm complaining,
I'm just searching for an answer.
Perhaps i'd come across someone who had more to offer than just "it's okay".
Because sometimes...
It's not okay.
We all put up walls around us,
Some form of defense.
It's to prevent unnecessary damage.
But no matter how many walls i build,
No matter how much armor i'm protected by,
I can still feel all the pain,
Like daggers through my chest.
Why is that so?
Some people can brush it off all too easily,
But with me,
I can feel it...
You see,
Armour and protection can only do so much.
Its the person behind it that counts.
What good is being protected if you can't even defend yourself?
Your defense system is there to absorb some of the impact,
You are the one who possesses true strength.
So perhaps i possess none,
Perhaps i do deep down.
But even so, with every fatal attack,
I die a little more.
I give away so many chances for people to hurt me,
And they take it.
Just as how i take their hits.
Most aim for my insecurity,
Some aim for my heart...
We all feel pain,
Its a result of our emotions.
But we all react differently to it.
Some are stoic,
Others more depressed.
It doesn't matter how you show it.
Deep down we all know what its like to hurt.
I suppose i should try to grow more as a person,
To increase my strength.
But i know there's strength within me,
I once used to be the type to be unbreakable.
I've been through countless things,
And that has helped me to grow...
But i don't know.
There comes a time when you're unable to be around certain people,
So talking about them makes you feel a little more comfortable.
Its like a remedy to numb the feeling you get when you're missing someone.
Sometimes, its the closest thing you'll ever get to being with them...
As fictional as it might be,
It makes you feel better.
So sure, you can feed your pride by acting like you're okay,
Or you can just let your emotions pour out and feel a little closer to the one who's so far away...

Fade To Black.

I'm roaming these dark, deserted streets alone,
In search to find him.
Every corner i turn is empty and blank.
I'm running, my breathing heavy and rapid.
Growing wary and tired i come to a stumbling halt.
I can't seem to find my way,
He's out there but i'm unable to find him.
One minute i had him,
I had it all.
But the lights went out and he disappeared into the darkness.
My anticipation increases,
And i'm growing desperate.
Without him it feels so lonely and cold.
In these unfamiliar streets i feel out of place.
His arms are the only place i need to be.
I'm sick and tired of being alone,
So lost and confused with my own disappointment.
My eyes are searching for him,
But i can't see at all.
Past these run-down buildings,
And unoccupied streets,
Is him.
Somewhere beyond all the unknown,
He remains.
I'm turning around,
Walking in circles,
I feel like i'm on a merry-go-round.
Determination burns within me and,
Naively i pick up my feet,
And go off running without direction,
Without any guidance.
After passing this place for the hundredth time,
I finally realise...
I've been here in the past.
My mind is playing tricks on me,
Causing me to believe this place is somewhere unknown.
But i'm so aware of my surroundings.
This is the place where me and him came to be.
These buildings once were home to our love,
The happiness,
The memories.
But now they remain unattended and abandoned.
I've lost you again,
More than once.
But each time feels so new.
The street lights flicker,
The cold air blowing hair to my face.
I quickly tuck the loose strands behind my ear,
As i look up...
I'm standing here infront of all our memories,
The place where so much happiness and love was born.
Such beauty,
Now left as a broken wreck.
I hesitantly walk towards the door,
A slight turn of the handle,
And a gush of such bittersweet thoughts and imagines invade my fragile mind.
Falling to my knees,
I watch as everything we worked towards get buried under the dust of forgetfulness.
He's left so much regret and heartbreak in one place,
Blended with all the euphoria of the past.
A sudden movement,
I feel the earth under me falter,
Then i look up as i see the ceiling come crashing down.
My instinct tells me immediately to make a run for it,
Heading towards the door i find a road block...
He stands there,
Before my eyes.
After my endless search,
He found his way to me.
But...
He seems so different,
I sense nothing when i'm near him.
I'm positive it's him,
But why do i not feel such a sensation anymore?
I manage to brush off the doubts swarming in my head,
And continue to move before everything comes crashing down.
He stands in the way,
Blocking the route to freedom.
Why won't he move?
It's like he wants me to forever be trapped in this place,
To never be able to move out,
To move on...
In a split second,
I felt my whole world fall on top of me,
Crushing me.
I'm forever detained under the memories,
Bounded by our broken past.
I'll never be able to forget him,
Because he left me buried under it all.
My arms are still reaching for him,
I see a figure ahead of me.
I'm trying to get to him,
I'm pleading for help.
But his figure turned into a dark blur,
And i watch as his back faces me,
And slowly walks away...
Left behind,
I can barely support this stress on my shoulders,
I can barely breathe.
The ache in my heart hurts more than the weight placed on me.
My eyes flutter,
My vision becomes vague,
And my world faded to black...

A Great Love.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

I never chose to feel this way, so why can't i help it?
If feeling this way was an option, then i wouldn't have chosen it.
But why?
Why does my heart feel like its about to disintegrate after every beat?
I tucked away all the pain into a small corner of my world,
But your wind has blown it all my way.
I don't think i can clean up this same mess again.
My universe used to be so full.
There was love and happiness all around.
But now that you're gone, this place looks empty and barren,
As if you took it all away when you left.
I'm cleansing myself with my tears,
But your trace still remains,
Just as your touch to my skin,
Your scent to my nose,
Your beauty to my eyes,
Your kiss to my lips,
And your love to my heart.
The silence says it all,
And these words i'm writing are just absent thoughts.
The feelings fuel the burning within my soul,
From the sparks we made which started the fire.
I suppose our love ran out, and the fire extinguished itself.
I've had the privilege of experiencing a broken heart,
I wonder what i ever did to deserve something so prestigious.
This smile i'm forcing, is just a pigment of my act.
I'm pretending i'm over it to avoid the responsibility that comes with reality.
Over time, things will get better,
It'll get easier to forget the pain,
But i'll never be the same.
And who knows how long it will take for me to learn how to live without you.
The love will forever be there,
But how hard will it be to ignore it?
Pain is inevitable.
But sometimes suffering is not an option.



A great love? It's when you shed tears for him but still you care for him. It's when he ignored you but you still long for him. It's when he starts loving another, and yet you manage a smile and find the courage to say "I'm happy for you."

What has this great love ever done for me?

Emotions.

I just read my friends blog, and she spoke of why us humans feel emotions.
She questioned why we had to endure such feelings whilst animals roamed freely.
So this made me think.
Would we be better off if we felt nothing?
To be honest, i think life is better with these emotions.
Our emotions are what lead us to choose our paths in life.
To be able to make a choice, we need to feel something inside that will help us make up our minds.
If we know it'll hurt if we choose one thing or the other, then we'd be able to make a better decision.
Sure, its tough having to deal with emotions such as sadness, disappointment, betrayal, envy...
But on the other hand we can feel happiness, euphoria, love, enlightenment.
So isn't it worth it?
It works the same way as how i mentioned in my blog prior to this.
When we're able to feel happiness, we must feel sadness.
Give and take.
That is how this world works.
Taking something without dealing with any consequences would make our world unruly.
Its not natural to always be in the right.
To be in the right, sometimes we need to be in the wrong.
Some things in life are worth enduring just to gain something new.
With love comes pain.
With happiness comes sadness.
With serenity comes agitation.
These emotions we feel are the epitome of what makes us who we are.
So perhaps it's not best if we feel nothing, because then our world would be savage.
People could kill eachother just because we don't feel fear or compassion.
Our world would be empty because no one felt curiosity and innovation.
Emotions do damage to our mental state, but as a give and take situation, we are strengthened by it.
We're fueled by emotion.
They keep us functioning.
Without it,
We'd all be nothing.

Escape.

Everything in life comes at a cost.
To be happy, one must endure sadness.
To make friends, one must meet enemies.
To love, one must hate.
To gain something, one must leave something behind.
Sometimes things aren't worth losing something in the process.
Then again, some things are worth sacrificing your whole world for.

It all comes down to decisions.
The choices you make are what sets your future,
Determining what is what.
You can't complain about the negative in your life,
Because it is what you chose that triggered it.
Intentions mean nothing, when your actions are all that people see.

Sometimes its too late for regret.
When you lose or gain something that was never worth it,
Then grieve about it all you want.
Everyone makes mistakes in life,
Its a common fact.
Some mistakes are best left mistaken,
Others could ruin you forever.
But that's what you chose.

Misery is a choice.

You can't turn back time,
But you can look back and relive it in your mind.
You can't take back the past,
But you can keep thinking about the options you missed out on.
You can't chase after history,
But you can convince yourself that you'll find it in your future.

Reality is set.
But you can think whatever you please,
Dream whatever you want,
But its just another form of;
Escapism.

Randomosity.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009
10:13AM

I'm currently at home;Study leave.
My exam starts in 3 hours.
I really should be studying but i have no motivation to right now...

Anyways...
I don't really write much in my blogs anymore, well things about how i am and what i'm feeling anyways.
Sometimes there is a lot that i would like to post, but certain things refrain me from it.
I suppose i'm afraid of notifying certain people about what is on my mind.
After all, some words are better off left unspoken, right?
Its better if i keep things to myself, in order to sustain the happiness of others around you.
Just a word could ruin everything.
I do not want to soil such happiness.
Though i am not happy myself, its comforting seeing that certain person so giddy about life.
I feel kind of silly...
I'm so confused on what i feel to be honest.
One minute i'm fine,
The next i'm crying.
One minute i'm angry,
The next i couldn't care less...
These mood swings are driving me crazy,
I don't know what to do or think anymore...


So many things circle my mind,
It swims around in my train of thought.
I wish i could escape somewhere where these thoughts and questions can't reach me.
I just want answers...
But i know i will never obtain such things to calm my stressed mind.
My heart aches secretly,
Deep down i can feel my heart tugging.
Why won't it just go away?
I'm trying to keep myself together,
But i just keep falling apart.
How much longer will this drag on?
Letting go is one thing,
But what happens when you find yourself holding on again?
Geez...
What's wrong with me?
I'm mentally slapping myself,
Get out of this.
Sigh...

I've tried so many things to heal myself,
To sooth this burning sensation in my heart,
But no cures have come through...
Left to suffer without a soul out there to care.
Such a pitiful person i am.
I can't help but laugh.
I shake my head at how pathetic everything is.
A humorous display of a broken person...

There's no one here,
I'm talking to myself...
Do you think you ever cross his mind?
Probably not, his thoughts are elsewhere i suppose.
Are you okay with that?
Ehh, more or less.
How did things turn out this way?
I don't really know. Life's full of surprises.
Don't you miss him?
Always, but what can you do?
I don't know, i'm the one asking questions here.
My bad...

=.="
Okay, i think its time to study now...

Until next time ;D

Blank.

No words left to say,
No feelings left to express,
No thoughts left to share.

At this point in my life,
Everything has faded to nothing.
The problems have dissolved,
All the hate is gone.
The love has disappeared.
The happiness, unknown.

Nothingness...

How boring.

Fictional Writing;The World Of The Insincere

A girl, her face pale, dark circles ring around her eyes, her hair a mess, deadly tears seep past her eyelids.
This girl is lost in an unfamiliar place,
A place she never thought she'd end up in.
Filled with painted faces and masks; the insincere.
She roams around helplessly, not knowing how she ended up here.
Confusion wells up her mind, as lies well up her ears.
This girl is trying to find her way out of this cruel, untrue world.
Each artificial smile that her eyes come across, feels like another sword just pierced through her fragile heart.
She's trying to convince herself that she'll be fine, that these painted faces will vanish.
But mere excuses will get her nowhere, and she knows that well enough.
Anger and annoyance builds up within herself,
She's fighting to keep it all inside but her emotions fight through her will.
Powerful screams escape her tight lips,
And the insincere stare in amusement.
Here stands a girl, with all seriousness written on her face,
Surrounded by those with synthetic persona.
Slowly, her screams become faint whispers...
The sound of others drowns out her excruciating pleas for help.
The bickering increases, the sounds are abusing and cold.
Compelling, the dark atmosphere consumes the girl...
She can't hold on anymore,
All of these overwhelming events are tormenting her.
Lies can be fatal,
This girl found out the hard way...

One-sided Friendship

After all these years, every mistake you did, every fight you conjured up..
I put up with it, i dealt with your shit, i was the bigger person.
But when i slip up, when i make a mistake, its like the world is ending.
Why is this?
When you want to do something and i complain, you get angry.
But when i want to do something, you complain, and that's okay?
When i want to be calm and rational,
You scream at me over something silly.
When i say the smallest thing that offends you,
You crush my soul with harsh words, but in the end we're all cool?
When you're wrong and i'm the one to apologise first, you have nothing to say?
When you make me cry, you act as if nothing is wrong? That nothing ever happened?
If you're in trouble i drop everything to help you out,
But when i need you, you couldn't care less?
You cause all these problems for me, but i put up with it, because you're my friend.
But can friendship be one-sided?
Why should i continue to be your friend, if i'm treated like the enemy?
I accept your flaws, i understand your bad habits, i know who you are...
But why don't you try to understand me?
Why is it that i'm the one to blame?
I'm only human...
What do you expect from me...
I try my hardest to do everything i can for you,
But in the end...
It means nothing.
I mean nothing.
But as always, after every fight, we act as if nothing happened..
And i will have to keep going through this time and time again...
How much longer can put up with it?
After 9 years...i just don't give a shit anymore...

Breaking free.

The silver feels cold in my clenched hands,
Squeezing tightly, i can feel the chains slowly indenting itself into my skin.
As i walk towards the buildings edge, i think back to how long i've held onto this.
Increasing my speed, i ditch the item within my hands.
Sparkling in the sun, before landing somewhere unknown.
It was due time for me to let go of what i've grabbed hold of for so long.
My eyes are searching for it, my heart full of regret.
But its over.
Lost forever.
My intentions granted.

The charms that once bound us together,
I return to you.
From and simple touch, or glance, brings back the memories of how they came to be.
A present from you to me.
I can't look back without seeing heartache and regret,
So keep it or do as you wish.
I'm slowly ridding myself of what made us, us.
Because "us" does not exist, not anymore.
There is no "we", there is only a you, and only a me.

I swallow these words i cannot voice.
I close my eyes and fight back these tears.
I turn away from these thoughts.
I create refuge for my wounded heart.

A toast to my new beginning.

Answer to your problems.

Lately it seems that everyone has become upset about something about their life.
They are now experiencing what i used to struggle with,
And i must say, it has really opened my eyes.
When i was in their position i used to feel like just dying right then and there,
But after hearing about their own suicidal thoughts,
I've realised how stupid they sound, and how stupid i must've been when it was me.
Of course everyone has their ups and downs in life,
After all, it is what makes us grow,
But sometimes our thoughts just dig our own graves.
Now, as a third person bystander, i can see how pathetic such problems are.
Yes, very hypercritical seeing as i used to be just like them,
But now i suppose i've grown out of depression.
After everything i've gone through,
I find depression kinda boring.
Well anyways, this enlightening topic has conjured up more questions.

Why is it so hard to not belong?
This was a huge problem for me a while back.
I now see that when we feel left out, its just a struggle that comes with loneliness.
Loneliness is something that could destroy a person,
But its something all must face eventually.
And sometimes, our loneliness is all in our heads. If you're surrounded by people who accept you and all, whats there left to be lonely about?
Well, i'm not simple-minded enough to believe that but in a way i do.
Though it is a simple question, why do us lowly humans make it out to be so complicated?
I've come to the conclusion that if you have atleast one person who you care about, and they care about you...
Then that's more than you'll ever need to overcome loneliness...

Why does love hurt so much?
Another situation i've struggled with in the past and i suppose a little at the moment.
"Love" such a controversy.
I personally think "love" is overrated.
We humans destroyed its meaning.
Though "love" is well and truly alive in my heart,
In others, perhaps not.
We all have our different views on it, our own objections, but love is love.
You can't define something so universal.
I think "love" isn't what brings pain...
The person you love or who loves you,
Is what brings you pain.
Of course, rejection hurts and so do lies, broken promises, shattered trust, etc.
When you love someone dearly, you change, in many ways.
It makes you feel so secure yet so vulnerable at the same time.
When you love someone, they understand you better, are able to read you because you let them into the deeper depths of your heart that no other has ever reached before.
Because of this, when things happen which makes the bond falter, we become scared or hurt.
Its not the love that hurts us,
Its the way we feel when the love is unstable. It is ourselves who inflict pain. Sure, the other might have caused it, but it is our strong feeling towards that person, is what hurts us.
At certain points in our life we think that love only brings pain but, it also grants you knowledge.
After your relationship ends, you learn more about yourself, the other person and what you want and don't want.
Past all the hurt and pain, comes understanding and enlightenment.
So in the future, you'll know what you're looking for and you might be able to look past all the things which might have caused the first heartbreak...
So in your new relationship, you can handle things better, and its all because of the one who crushed you in the past...

There are more struggles in the world, these are just the most common i suppose...
That's it for now...
There is always a way to solve a problem, though it might not be an exact answer, there is always a way out...

New realisation.

I was so convinced that the pain i felt would always be there,
Like a permanent scar to my heart.
But now, its as if the scar faded away,
And became one with my heart.
The pain has disappeared and i'm cured from this hurt.
Over time, i've realised that not being with him isn't such a big deal.
I see him with her,
But no longer does it tug at my heart.
I see their smiles,
And i smile with them.
Everything was such a mess,
But now i guess it's all cleaned up.
I was falling apart after just hearing his name,
But its just like any other word now.
Perhaps i've finally learnt to let go and move on.
Letting go; something i've always questioned.
This new realisation has given me an answer,
Letting go is not necessary about forgetting,
More like being able to see them as just a friend,
Being able to stop the constant "what if's",
The constant longing for them...
Letting go means to literally stop holding on.
Just like a dove caught in your hands,
Just set it free.
Watch as everything you've ever wanted, known and loved,
Flies away...
And you're content with seeing it all disappear,
Because you're fine with letting go.
In time things will change,
But i know i will always love him.
I just don't need him to be my everything anymore.
He used to be my world,
Everything revolved around him.
But i suppose his gravity stopped pulling me in,
And i was able to move on.
He was like my balloon,
Just like a child i looked upto it in admiration.
My attention never slipped up,
The balloon had it all.
Then i realised that sometimes other things bring you greater happiness,
So i let the balloon slip out of my fingers,
And slowly float away into someone else's hands...
___________________________________

Hopefully you'll treat her right,
Better than you treated me.
I just wanted to say...
Thank you.
You were mean,
You treated me like shit...
But you let me experience what love was,
And all the pain has made me grow stronger than ever.
I hope you'll be able to experience the same love i felt towards you with her...

Parable; Roses

Sitting by herself in a garden complete with grass and roses, is a little girl.
The air is filled with the sweet scent extruding from the blooming flowers.
Little rays of sun escape the gaps of the clouds, creating a subtle yet warm light.
With such a beautiful and peaceful surrounding,
Her eyes are only set on one thing; the roses.
The bright crimson red, the aromatic smell, all of it is...
The essence of beauty and perfection.
The little girl was so excited to be able to embrace such a sight,
Carelessly she attempts to pick the rose.
Unaware, the sharp, deadly thorns pierced her finger.
Small drops of blood fall to the ground,
Creating contrast with the grass.
Shocked, the little girl curses at the rose and questions why;
Why would something so beautiful hurt me?
Why can't i have you?
Why am i bleeding?
Why does it hurt?
Soon after, another little girl shows up.
Also blown away by the beauteous sight,
She also attempts to pick the rose.
Ignoring the little girl sobbing over her pain,
She manages to avoid the thorns without any struggle,
And delicately picks the rose.
The sulking little girl stands there astonished.
Eventually, hate and jealousy started to build up,
And she lashes out at the roses.
She swears to never touch or go near a rose ever again.
And the other little girl? Well, she can have all the roses in the world.
Of course jealousy will always be there and pain will always linger,
But there are other gardens to sit in,
And plenty of other flowers to pick...

Moral of the story, don't pursue what only brings you pain and sadness...

Venting.

Mood: Melancholic.

At the moment i feel very useless, like i'm not good enough. It seems that no matter how hard i try, my best is never enough. I'm tired of losing to people...I feel so hopeless...I hate it.

Sometimes i wish life would go my way for once.
Its selfish to want that, but i can't catch a break sometimes.
I know i'm not an angel, and i am far from perfection, but seriously...
Why am i put through so much shit?
I put my everything into certain things,
And some others don't even need to try to gain it.
I try to be happy and optimistic,
Just as people tell me to be.
But i see no difference...
I do feel all that much better,
But i don't feel that i've accomplished anything.
I don't even know who to turn to anymore.
Everyone is so distant,
I can't seem to reach anyone...
I don't understand why i'm so easy to replace,
And i hate knowing that i mean nothing.
I'm trying so hard to hold myself together,
I really am...
But...
I need support...
And there's no one here to lend a helping hand.
All i need is for someone to hold me and say "it's okay, i'm here for you".
But all that comforts me is the wind blowing against my skin and the eerie silence around me...
I feel so cold...
I wish someone was here.

Each day is the same,
I'm putting all my efforts into maintaining a typical me.
Though i act the same,
I'm totally different on the inside...
My words are empty,
My smiles are hollow,
The laughter is just a lie...
No one notices the pain i feel and i doubt they'd care.
I'm growing really tired of it actually...Not exactly used to covering up what i'm feeling.

I feel so ugly. When i look in the mirror i just can't stand the sight of my reflection.
As ashamed as i am to say, make-up makes me feel a little better about myself.
I for one am not a strong believer in make-up...But as my emotions darken so does my make-up...
I really do hate this...
What am i becoming?
I'm really...afraid...
Of myself right now...
I'm afraid of being alone...
I'm afraid that i'll never be able to be truly happy...

"Don't worry, cheer up".
The next person who says that, will get slapped =.="
I worry because well that's what i do...
I worry and over-think things.
I am a drama queen.
I am a person who cries over spilt milk.
I am a glass-half-empty person.
And i will cheer up on my own terms.
Yes, i am aware i am very emotionally unstable, but that doesn't make me a complete pessimist.
I am happy most of the time.
Its just when shit goes down, the drama queen in me is brought to life.
I'm happy when i'm happy.
I'm sad when i'm sad.
I just wish people would stop categorizing me as "emo" and all...
That's not all that i am...
And i wish people would stop talking to me as if they understand how i feel or the situation itself.
I know deep down that if they were in my shoes, they wouldn't handle it so well...
So stop criticising me with your hypocrisy!

Sigh...
At times like this i can't help but consider death an option...

That is why it's called the present...

Why don't you just move on?
A question i frequently hear.
What does it mean to move on?

Everyone tells me i should be out there seeing guys,
Finding someone new,
But what's the point?

I sit back as i watch the world that surrounds me.
Everywhere i look i see children,
But they don't act like children.
People these day's grow up far too quickly,
Well they think that they're growing up anyways...
Children trying to act like adults is just fictional.
Are they really growing up too quickly,
Or just acting like they do?
Sure, they wear make-up, fall inlove, go to parties, etc etc.
But is that really growing up?
I always thought of "growing up" as being mature.
Instead of whining like a child,
Grown up's talk in a decent and composed manner.
Instead of throwing around the word love like it has no meaning,
Grown up's show their love and understand that its not just a four-letter word.
Instead of stacking on the make-up in attempt to increase their age,
Grown up's use it to decrease they're age because they'll never return to their youth.
Instead of racing through time by drinking and partying,
Grown up's take time to embrace what they have before it's all gone.
Instead of taking drugs to escape problems,
Grown up's work things out without resorting to such pointless things.
Our generation are so misguided with false pretenses.
We race time as if we'll die without living a full life.
Of course, no one is guaranteed a tomorrow,
But that doesn't give us an excuse to waste away our youth, right?
So why should i be in such a rush to be in a relationship that probably will last as long as a blink of an eye?
I don't want to be the type of person who takes people forgranted,
But i am...
I don't want to be the type to just date anyone for the sake of dating,
And i'm not.
I don't want to be the type of person who tries soo hard to prove that they're not a child,
Because i am a child.
I don't want to use up my youth,
Because i'll never get it back...
Live for the moment,
Live the happiness while it lasts,
Just don't do anything stupid along the way...
Because what i do now is what sets my future,
And so far it doesn't look so great...
But i'm still a child right?
I can fix this.
I can work towards a better future...
Or perhaps i should work towards a better now...
Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery,
But today is a gift...

Contempt with loneliness.

I always thought of loneliness as a sad thing,
And that only that certain person could rid me from it.
But now i know that it's not always the case.
After all that has happened,
It has really opened my eyes to a lot of things.
I'm no longer looking straight ahead,
But have a new field of vision.
Before, my eyes were only set on one thing,
Now i look around and i see so many other things.
I don't think i have the right to say that i'm lonely,
After all my new discoveries.
Yes, i do wish i could have that certain someone be here with me,
But that's life.
You can't always have what you want,
And sometimes,
You could find something better.
From a certain person,
Becomes certain people.
No one could possibly replace others of course,
But you work around it.
Settling for less?
I don't think so...
Perhaps its more like settling for something that is better suited to you,
Rather than what you want.
Sometimes you're uncertain of what you want,
But perhaps what you wanted isn't anything you've ever needed.
Why waste away your days missing something you will never have,
When you could be out there having fun.
Isn't that the logical thing?
The love will always be there,
But i've realised that,
I don't miss you like i used to,
I don't mind if you're not here,
I don't need to always talk to you,
I don't have to be your number one.
With life comes great sacrifice,
If it's worth everything you have,
You go for it.
Sometimes taking a gamble is worth the risk,
Other times,
Not so much.
You could go all in,
And lose everything.
But sometimes, you might be rewarded for your efforts.
Don't dwell in things which are irrevocable and that which brings you pain,
Instead rid yourself of all the gloom,
And be happy just for the sake of being happy.
Being lonely isn't something unfortunate,
Because now i'm contempt with loneliness...

Acceptance.

The thoughts you hide,
The emotions you ignore,
The words you leave unspoken...
Don't be so stressed about covering up what you want to express.
Say what you wish,
Feel how you want,
Write what you desire.
You don't need to hide everything for my sake.
If you don't want me to know,
Then don't grant me access to what is in your heart...
I accept our past,
I accept your actions,
I accept your intentions.
I forgive you.
Of course, thinking about it bothers me,
But hey, i guess that's my own problem.
You weren't the cause for my sadness,
I was.
The choices i made were my own.
So i shouldn't ambush you with blame,
Or make excuses for myself.
We both know that i will always have that place for you in my heart,
But i guess we both have different places in life.
We won't always get along,
We won't always be at peace,
But...we won't always be at war either.
I don't necessarily need a place in your heart,
I just want to rebuild that friendship which was lost...
____________________________________________

I'm starting to see the silver lining.
I won't bother finding my old self,
Because i never really liked her in the first place.
I think i'm just going to work towards a new me,
Nothing fake of course.
Just taking what i've been through to improve myself.
Change what is changeable,
But still keeping the parts that everyone loves.
I'm not going to try and be perfect,
Because perfection is not what i'm aiming for.
I will always have my flaws,
The things people hate,
But that's what makes me, me.
And if people can't accept it,
Then they shouldn't bother accepting me at all.
Life is tough,
But it is only what you make it out to be, right?
;)

I'll be okay...

The silence builds up,
But my mind won't shut up.
I scream internally,
All my emotions pour out of my heart,
And my eyes cry dry tears.
I keep everything locked up.
I close the door so you can't see,
The pain i hide,
The unspoken words,
The buried emotions.
I can't say i'm okay,
I can't shrug and say its all good,
But i can ignore your presence,
And act like i'm alone.
In a way,
You were never there to start with.
You can't lose what you never had...
So why do i feel like i misplaced something?
Like a part of me is missing?
I don't understand why i feel such pain,
But i still feel fine.
I can be normal,
But all the hurt still remains where you left it.
A dagger through the heart,
A razor through the wrist,
A lie to the ear,
A fake smile to the eyes...
I thought that i could endure it,
But i suppose i was wrong.
I never get anything right do i?
Every time i try to sort things out,
I fail.
Every time i hold onto you,
You slip away.
Every time i miss you,
I die more inside.
Every time i think of you,
I lose my mind.
Every time i remember,
I fall apart...
My heart was so open to you,
But yours was closed off.
You gave her the key,
But left me empty handed.
I tried to break in,
Tried to find a back door,
An opening,
A crack,
Something...
But i found no such thing.
Your heart was so exclusive,
I never really belonged.
I'm left outside in the cold,
The rain is pouring,
Hiding my tears.
Washing away my shame,
Washing away my pain,
Washing away my disappointment,
Washing away my sanity.
I don't need you to say a word,
So remain silent.
I don't need you to be there,
So don't move.
I don't need you to care,
So don't try.
I don't need you to love me,
So don't lie...
The silence is deadly,
But i'll work it out...

My escape.

Day by day,
I'm slowly changing.
I've lost track of who i am,
And i'm not motivated enough to find myself again.
Everyone around me can see the old me dying out,
And a new me coming together.
I used to be a cheerful person,
Someone who's always eager to be in on the fun.
The one who joked around,
Who created happiness.
Now i barely talk,
I barely communicate.
I bury myself in books and drawings,
To distract myself from reality.
When i'm reading it seems like i get sucked into the book,
And all the problems i have disappear.
Slowly i flip through the pages,
Taking in every word,
Every detail,
Imagining what its like.
But then i hear noises,
People voices,
Peoples laughter.
My friends.
They ask me what i'm doing,
They ask what's wrong,
They ask if i'm okay.
I'm not okay,
But i stay silent,
And continue to read...
Sometimes i can't tune them out,
Which results in me moving away from my group.
I sit alone,
Flipping through pages and pages of fiction.
The pages run out,
The chapters all finished,
My novel,
This story,
Ends.
I look down at my book,
How fast i finished it,
How easily i got through it.
And i finally realised,
While reading this book,
I past through almost a whole week without caring about the time or day.
Everything else just faded away,
So did a part of me...
All i remember about the old me was the joy i used to give and feel,
Everything else,
Seems too vague or too far away.
I'm not sure who i am at the moment,
But i know i don't like it.
I don't mind being anti-social,
I don't mind not talking...
I just can't help but wonder,
How much longer it will take,
For my existence to die out.
For everyone to forget me.
For the voices i hear,
The laughter,
The fun,
To become mute silence...

Just Me, Just is.

People think i'm emo,
Just because i have my downs.
People think i'm scary,
Just because i rage.
People think i'm tank,
Just because i'm violent.
People think i'm smart,
Just because i know random facts.
People think i'm dirty,
Just because i like to joke.
People think i'm too negative,
Just because i'm not indenial.
People think i'm too serious,
Just because i don't find them funny.
People think i'm lazy,
Just because i don't do as i'm told.
People think i'm too rebellious,
Just because i couldn't care less.
People think i'm mean,
Just because i'm honest.
People think i'm nerdy,
Just because i like to read.
People think i'm only good for shuffling,
Just because its a hobby.
People think i'm good at drawing,
Just because they're shit.
People think i over-react,
Just because i'm irrational.
People think i have too much time on my hands,
Just because i waste it on nothing.
People think i'm popular,
Just because i get along with people.
People think i'm annoying,
Just because i'm loud.
People think i'm a lot of things,
Just because its me...

M2M?

7:24PM

I'm tired of the tears,
Bored with the pain.
I need to stop this feeling,
Before i go insane.
I'm letting go,
But never shall i forget.
You're the best thing,
That has happened to me yet.
I hear your footsteps,
As you're walking out the door.
I can't remember the last time,
I felt this way before.
As you're leaving,
I lose something else aswell.
A part inside of me,
That has disappeared somewhere i can't tell.
I thought losing you was bad,
But i'm losing him aswell.
I don't know what to say,
You two are the best i've ever had.
The smiles and laughter were endless,
But i guess it all gone.
Here i stand,
Friendless...

Mason, you don't need me. "Aslong as i have you, i am happy". So if you have "her" you will be happy. I'm very angry at you, because you really do take back everything you say. You can do whatever you want with your life Mason. Who am i to tell you what to do. But i just hate being lied to. Because i feel cheap, used and incredibly stupid. I'm not leaving you, i just don't see why i should stay. I'm a third party bystander. I said we could be friends, and we can. But seriously, whats the point? One minute i might run across your mind, and maybe you'll think you care, but soon after i won't mean a thing...

Mykool, our friendship was held together by happiness. I dealt with you when you were upset about her, and you're dealing with me now. But the happiness has died out and there is nothing left to keep us together, and nothing to stop us from parting. Though there is nothing wrong, why do we keep drifting? Though you deny it, i am slowly being replaced by everyone else. All of the other girls you talk to play a certain part of me. I can't say i want you to be here forever, because forever seems too long to be true. But i just want to say how much you mean to me and how much i'm scared...

I'm not a toy...

A little boy walks past a toy store,
He can't help but notice a simple yet appealing teddy bear sitting in the window display box.
His bright eyes light up, and the biggest smile appears on his eager face.
"Mummy, i want it! can i have it?".
The mother looks down on her pleading son,
"Maybe another day sweetheart."
The next day they walk down the same street,
"Mummy can i get it now?"
The mother gives in to his persistence,
And purchases this teddy bear.
Cha-Ching.
The cash register sounds,
Signalling the deal,
The trade.
Money for a teddy bear.
The little boy is overjoyed.
Everyday he plays with this teddy bear,
And cares for it more than anything.
His infatuation with the bear grew and grew til it was outgrown.
A week pasts,
And the teddy bear is falling apart and dirty from him constantly playing with it.
The little boy leaves the bear on the floor,
Completely disinterested,
He forgets about it.
One day the mother comes home with a firetruck,
And the boy throws out the teddy bear as if it meant nothing.
And just like that,
The bear was left in the trash,
Abandoned,
A mess,
Alone.
It no longer existed in the little boys life,
Nor in his heart.
The firetruck is all that matters now.
A bright, red, shiny firetruck is much more appealing than an old, ragged up bear isn't it?
When the boy sleeps at night,
Will the firetruck be comfortable in his bed?
When the boy is sad,
Will the firetruck be satisfactory to hold?
When the boy needs a hug,
Will the firetruck be soft and warm enough?
When the boy is done with the firetruck,
Will he remember the bear?...


When you're so caught up with something,
You forget everything else that is around you.
Memories fade,
If not, are forgotten.
But after all the things you said,
"I love you...don't leave me"...
You could throw me away so easily without hesitation.
I'm not a toy,
You can't just leave me like that when you find something new and are bored of me.
"Why not? I can do whatever i want, get over it."
Because i'm a person,
Not a possession.
You can't do whatever you want,
Because there are always consequences and you can't continue living so selfishly as if you're the center of the universe. You might have been the center of my universe but now you're nothing but a tiny, distant planet.
I tried holding on,
But i guess i'm too weak.
I am over it,
And i'm over you...
Just don't keep reminding me that i'm nothing,
Because unlike you...
I'm the one who hurts.

Just like the bear,
I'm all used up...
But with a little cleaning up and stitching,
I'll be all good,
Perhaps good enough for someone else...

Guilty.

Guilty of not making it through...

Historical scripts written by your hand,
Are re-read and taken in.
So much evidence of anger and hate,
The test of love came through as a negative.
Another person was involved with this,
Her finger prints found on your heart.

Your words are proven to be lies,
With every crime you committed,
You're left without objections.
Your accomplice,
She stole your heart,
Did she not?
"She did".
Or was is that you gave it to her?
"Objection!".
Denied.

The victim,
Do you have any last words to say?
"I miss you, is that okay? We tried our best but in the end things didn't go our way. Love, i wish you never existed"...
With all the elements that support our case,
The jury voted against us.
So much was objected,
We had nothing left to throw back in defense.
Sentenced with a year of pain and tears.
To never be loved,
And to watch as the one you want,
Moves on with someone else.
The Gavel is set down,
A loud yet subtle sound emerges as the decision is made.
This case is dead,
And so are we, the guilty.
Winner: Broken love.

Alone in a crowded room.

I was talking to my friend today and he mention his fear of being alone,
And it made me think, "What does it mean to be alone, and what does it mean to belong?"

If we all have friends,
People we share precious moments with,
People we trade smiles and laughter with,
People we share sadness and distress with,
People who are just there...
How can we be alone?
Why is it that we feel alone in a crowded room?
Is it the fact that we feel we don't belong?
But what is belonging?
Everywhere we go,
People judge.
Everyone does it.
Hating those who judge,
Is judging itself.
People these days judge others for the little things,
Like how they dress,
How they wear their hair,
How they spend their days,
How they live life...
So how can we fully belong anywhere?
Another sudden thought...
What happens when we really don't fit in?
When we feel we are rejected for being who we are,
We move onto our first instinct,
Lying and acting.
I believe that lying and acting to find your place in life just isn't real.
You can try to be perfect all you want,
But is it all worth it?
Sometimes we do have a place where we belong,
But i guess we just choose not to.
There is a difference between being left out,
And choosing to not take part.
There is always a choice.
If we make a wrong choice,
We regret.
If we make the right choice,
We still suffer from "what if's".
The human mind can never get what it wants,
And what it needs is never enough.
I know that everything we've ever wanted,
Isn't anything we have.
So what does is mean to be alone?
I think that some people choose to be alone,
But we can't help but want the opposite.
When we're alone,
We're forced to feel lonely.
When we belong,
We're forced to want privacy.

When we're lonely,
And wish to be with the one who cures such misfortune,
What if the person we wish to find salvage in,
Isn't there?
Is that the meaning of being alone?...

Moving on.

Through all the pain,
I've really grown.
Over time, i've become so strong that nothing really matters.
No matter how much it hurts,
It won't stop me from living my life.

You tripped me,
And i fell for you.
Every fall,
Every bruise,
Every cut,
Every scar...
I fought on my own.
I helped myself up,
I helped myself heal,
I helped myself brush it off.

Fall,
After fall,
After fall.
I brought myself from my knees to my feet.
With some support from here and there,
I was able to stand up.
But each time i fell,
I always searched for your hand,
Because i wished for you to pull me up.
But that hand never appeared,
So i fought on my own once again...

Trip.
Fall.
I look up,
And see your hand reaching for mine.
For once in my life i was able to feel such hope,
Such satisfaction.
Just as i'm about to reach out,
You pull away...
An instant stinging sensation strikes my heart,
And it skips a beat.
For that moment it pained more than anything in this world,
But gradually the pain numbed.

I slowly put my hand down,
And help myself up...
Back to my feet,
Chin up,
Smile,
Keep walking...

After falling for the same traps time in time out,
I know i will never fall again.
And never will i have to drag myself up on my own.
One day i'll find the person i'm looking for,
The one willing to reach out to me,
The one that doesn't play childish games,
And the one who can say "i love you" without taking it back...

Let go of the past and the people who hold you back.
Everything that matters loses meaning after a while.
Think of regrets as the last mistake you'll ever make.
When you're torn into two, glue yourself back together.
When the pieces are broken, walk off and leave them on the floor.
If you love someone who doesn't return the favour...
Then live with it...
When everything is wrong; move along.

_________________________________

Just wanted to mention my new song obsession :)
Another Heart Calls - The All-American Rejects

Its about this guy right and he's talking to his love from the past that he left.
"As deep as I need you, you wanna leave it all". - Girl
There is another girl in the picture, but the guy is contemplating whether he should be with his past love or this other girl.
"Another heart calls"...
"This could be the last mistake that I would ever wanna do". - Boy.
The girl from the past wants to know what he wants.
"What can I do? - Boy
"Say it's true" - Girl
"Or everything that matters breaks in two". - Boy
The girl wants to know that what he feels towards her is true, because he left her in the past and is after commitment.
"I'm sorry" - Boy
"So what?" - Girl
"But you don't think I've said enough" - Boy
"I'm sorry" - Boy
"I don't care" - Girl
"You were never there" - Girl
They argue.
But in the end he chooses his past love.
"Say it's true" - Girl
"I'll never ask for anyone but you". - Boy

xx

At the moment

6:32PM

Mood: Pensive, annoyed, betrayed

Songs that explain how i feel right now:

Pain - Jhene Aiko
Footprints On My Heart - Paula Deanda


I'm drowning away my sadness with music, though the rhythm fuels my emotions.
Its not good to keep thinking about everything, but i can't help it.
I feel angry, yet calm.
I feel hate, yet love.
I feel lied to, yet so honest...

Tell me how i'm supposed to feel,
Because right now i have no idea...
You don't feel any pain do you?
I've done you a favour and taken in the impact.
You lead me all this way,
Just to leave me stranded.
I can't help but question why...
Why would you go to all that trouble just to talk to me,
To spend time with me,
Just to leave me in the end?
Why would you come back,
If in the end we're just back where we started?
Why do you leave me empty handed,
After letting me wait for a whole year?
Why does it hurt so much,
Yet you feel nothing?
Why am i only able to forget for only a moment,
Before the pain kicks in again?
Why am i so hopeless when it comes to you,
Yet you're so composed and in control?
Why're you able to move on without a care,
While i'm stuck in the same corner?
Why do my eyes flood with tears,
While yours are completely dry?
Why would you say 'i love you',
When those words are followed by 'i love her'?
Why did you play me...
Why did i let you play me...

8:05 PM

Mood: Neutral

You've really turned me off...
I think i can let go this time.
The pain may still be there,
But i'll pretend it doesn't hurt...

I really do wish for us to be friends though,
That i'm certain of...
Lets try our best yea?

Meaning behind words with melody.

It's 8.44AM, Sunday Morning, 11/10/09

hehe what a funny date :3

Anyways, i'm at work and i'm typing this on my phone. I guess i just needed to clear my mind, and to kill my boredom i suppose.

Current mood: Tired, lonely, used, foolish.

At the moment i'm listening to Break Even - The Script.

This song holds so much meaning, it relates quite well with how i feel and the situation i'm in.
When relationships end, there will always be someone who hurts more than the other. The one that hurts most, is the one who tried the hardest and loved the most.
Its strange how the one who put their everything into something is the one left behind.
But i suppose thats just how life is,
Unfair.

Breathe - Lee Carr

This song is about how this person can't live without the other. "You're the reason that i breathe".
I suppose this song is in my perspective, only with minor differences.
Is it silly to feel this strongly about someone?
I mean, what causes us to feel this way?
What makes us love?
I suppose thats just how life is,
Full of unanswered questions.

Back Track - Lil Eddie

This song reminds me of him. I think he listened to it aswell.
Its about going back to fill in on everything they missed out on. Trying to find the missing pieces of the puzzle.
In order to stay together, there can't be any blanks or blind spots.
For things to work out, both sides must try.
To succeed you must sacrafice things along the way.
You can win a battle,
But you could lose the war.
I suppose thats how life is,
Full of hardships.

Blink - The Connect

One of my favourite songs. It explains and portrays so much about how i feel and the things i question.
Its about the other person making up their mind on what they want before "I'm" gone. It questions what they're looking for. They say they want to find love, but the love has always been here. In a blink of an eye, you could lose everything you've ever wanted. "Because i just might be gone if you blink".
I suppose thats how life is,
Full of decisions and choices.

Circle - Marques Houston

This song is about going around in circles with someone. After they're long gone you still think of them. Even with new relationships and experiences you can't help but think they're haunting you.
"Somebody get me out of this circle".
No matter how hard you try, your mind just runs back to that someone and the memories you have.
After the fights are through you end up with that person again. Repeat.
All you want is to end the constant cycle but you just can't.
"And i'm back where i started, you're back in my life".
I suppose thats how life is,
Repetitive.

Complicated - Nivea

This song represents everything i used to think and feel...
Listen to it...
Pretty self-explanatory.

Life...
Filled with one-sided love.

9.29AM

Mood: Tired, nostalgic, missing you...

Now listening to "Don't tell me it's over - Deepside."

xx

The end.

Do you understand how i feel?
I'm sure you don't.
I put my everything into you,
I sacrificed my time,
My pride,
My friends,
My heart...
All just to be with you.
I've given up so much,
And in the end,
You return me with broken promises,
Broken dreams,
Shattered memories,
False hope,
A bucket load of tears,
And a broken heart...
I suppose this has become a life routine for me,
But i'm tired of following this plan.
I want out...

I don't understand why you must keep hurting me.
You lead me into believing that i actually meant something to you...
Every moment we shared,
Every smile we exchanged,
Every word,
Every touch,
Every kiss...
A lie.
Baby we were over,
You should've just left it that way...
You say you missed me,
But you don't have to right to.
With the way we are,
Who is there to blame?
You, for being so indecisive on what you want,
Me, for being so pitiful.
I let you walk all over me like i'm nothing,
And i actually accept it.
Where is my dignity?
My own self-respect?
Its over there,
Under your foot...

I feel like i've wasted a whole year of my life,
When i could've been out there having fun.
But in the end,
I still don't regret waiting for you,
I don't regret taking you back,
I don't regret choosing you,
I don't regret loving you...
I guess the only thing i regret is,
Not being able to keep a hold of you.
I held on so tight,
But you managed to slip away...

I don't think i can face you anymore.
Today i saw you with her,
I saw how happy you were to be near her,
And for the rest of the day,
Images of you and her kept repeating in my head,
Like a song stuck on replay...

I watched the sunset at my favourite location today,
But there was nothing to watch go down...
Just like you,
The sun wasn't there...
I always thought of you as my sun,
But now you're elsewhere,
The sun in the sky couldn't be seen either...
Irony.
At the end of the day,
You disappeared,
Just like the sun...
Now my world is dark and cold.
How lonely.

The Princess sits by herself in the cold castle walls,
Waiting for her true Prince Charming to come and save her...

The end.

Love is a Battlefield.

Everyone seems to be pulling me in the opposite direction of you,
And you and me both know that i'll never listen to them.
But i'm left to think,
What if i'm wrong?

Every time we fall apart,
It seems one of us just has to crawl back to the other every chance we get.
Is it normal for people to fight endless battles,
And just surrender time after time?
Can this war truly be won if we just keep running back?

Instead of giving in to the other,
I want to be able to negotiate,
To work things out.
That way we won't have to return to this awful place,
And during all the time we spend placing blame,
We could be having the time of our lives.

The only thing keeping us from ending this feud,
Is understanding.
Its hard enough trying to understand anything you say or feel,
Let alone have you change your mind every second.
One minute you'd say one thing,
And the next you're saying the complete opposite.

I'm happy with believing what you say,
But i'd be happier if those words stayed,
Rather than be replaced with something totally different.
Then again, I suppose its just what you're feeling right?
I don't want to force you to feel something towards me,
I don't need to be your whole world...
I just wish to be a part of it.

I don't need you to say "i love you",
I don't need you to keep me happy with fake words,
Fake emotions,
Fake relationships.
I don't need you to be something you're not.
I don't need you to win this war...
This war is for both of us...
I don't need you to fight alone,
Because whether you need me or not,
I'm always here...
Waiting for a chance to prove myself.
But a soldier without a goal,
Or a sense of meaning,
Is just someone fighting without a cause...

Give me a reason for being.

I love you,
But is that enough to hold us together?

Our Fairytale...Ch.2

It seems the Prince in this tragic fairytale,
Has lost his way.
The Princess stays inside the cold, castle walls,
Waiting for his return.
She thinks about him every second of every day,
Longing to be in his arms again.
With the time and space the Prince has left her with,
Memories and thoughts crowd her mind.
Everything that escapes her thoughts,
Is a doubt,
Followed by words of hope,
That contradict everything she thinks.
"He won't return,"
"But maybe his heart will persevere and show him the way."
"Maybe he doesn't love me enough to come back,"
"Maybe he loves me so much he's left confused."
"He can't see himself with me anymore,"
"Maybe he's just afraid to admit to himself that he's found that one person."
"What if we've reached the finish line?"
"But what if the race hasn't even started?"
These constant contradictions repeat over and over again.
Is there no end to this madness?
"Come back soon fair Prince..."

In the meanwhile,
The Prince is battling his way through the dark, frightful, fortress of broken hearts.
So many events and people delay his journey back to the Princess,
But mostly his own confusion and doubts.
Fear keeps him from continuing his journey,
And compunction keeps him from loving the Princess.
The Prince also has many contradictions,
But rather the opposite of what the Princess thinks.
His thoughts are of what his heart speaks,
Followed by doubts from his mind.
"I should hurry back to the Princess,"
"But maybe i should take my time."
"She'll be happy if i'm with her,"
"Perhaps i'm not good enough to protect her."
"I love her more than anything,"
"Maybe i'm just caught up in the moment."
"We could make it to the end together,"
"Maybe we should just give up now"
The Prince contemplates on what he wants,
And what he think is best.
"I'm sorry my Princess, please wait for me..."

Perhaps this Prince isn't the Prince Charming he was destined to be in this tragic fairytale,
But the Princess could argue over that.
He's a fool,
But the Princess knows she couldn't love anyone less foolish...

To be continued...

Project Modify: Update

Hello there fellow bloggers.
Remember my "project modify" blog about me making personal alterations?
Well,
Just keeping you updated.

-Stop swearing - No improvements =.="
-Stop being angry - I am a lot more happy so i have no reasons to be angry :D
-Learn to not take everything so seriously - Yea pretty much going with the flow and being apathetic
-Forget about "him" - I don't need to forget him anymore :3
-Learn to fake a smile - Don't need to fake a smile :)
-Study more - Small improvement.
-Learn to be selfless - I can tick this one ;D
-Stop raging at people for inadequate reasons - Tick
-Be more considerate - Not sure about this one =/ i think i already am =.=" so uhh tick?

New things to add to my list:
-Have a functioning relationship
-Be more feminine
-Figure out what i want to be when i finish high school
-Be less needy

:)

Our Fairytale...Ch. 1

Today is the first day of a new month.
This is where our new chapter begins...

When we thought our story had ended,
Another sequel is set to come out.
The day is coming to an end,
And so is this one chapter.
Slowly making our way to the bottom of the page,
With one last line left to write...
"And the boy stood there like a statue, however this time, the girl stood next to him. Together they stood, until the spell wares off and they're separated again..."
With hidden meanings,
To only be understood by the author of this fairytale.
The author being,
The voices of our collaborated hearts.
Hopefully our story,
Will last a bit longer and contain more happiness than the previous.
Hopefully its not as limited as Cinderella's pumpkin,
Or as fatal as Snow whites apple.
Perhaps this tragic fairytale that our hearts write,
Will have a happy ending...

Starry Night.

Someone once told me,
That when there is only one star in the sky,
You make a wish.
So last night,
I closed my eyes and wished...
Then when i looked back up at the sky,
The star was gone.
I wonder what that means.
Maybe my wish will come true,
I guess it's all upto you...
_______________________________

I gaze up at the dark, night sky,
I see a crescent moon,
And one twinkly, bright star.
This star i see,
Is so dazzling,
Yet so alone.
By itself it shines past all the darkness,
Creating a small sense of hope,
For the mere mortals beneath it.
I close my eyes,
And think up a wish.
So many things which i desire,
But only one to choose.
I make my decision,
And unlock my eyes.
It seems my star has disappeared.
Where have you gone my star?
The sky seems so dark without you.
Have you gone to grant my wish,
Or have you abandoned me?
I hope you come back,
You're my star.
Without you,
My sky seems so dark and empty.
What night would i have then,
If you weren't there for me to gaze at?
I wish that you'd always be here...
Star of mine.
______________________________

Do wishes really come true?
You can't say no,
Seeing as some people have received what they wanted.
I guess it all depends on what you're wishing for.
Sometimes you need to grant your own wish,
And make it come true on your own.
Other times you're just lucky and it just happens.
I suppose we have wishes to express what we want.
If we wish hard enough,
Then maybe the wish will come true,
Because our desire is so great,
We'd do anything to achieve this "wish".
Unfortunately,
Its not always like this,
And in the end we're left unfulfilled.
"You can’t own everything you desire. Sometimes, all you can do is appreciate their existence."

Decisions.

So lately,
A lot of people have been telling me that i made a mistake about my "decision".
I chose one thing over another,
And apparently i'm just going to end up hurt again.
I've been thinking a lot and perhaps they're right,
But i know that whether it is right or not,
Its what i want.
Sometimes you can't choose what is best for you,
Rather what makes you feel more content with.
I probably will regret my decision somewhere along the way,
But i made up my mind,
And i'll stick with it til the very end.
Whether i receive happiness or pain from my decision,
I'll accept it.
I've been through so much shit with this "decision",
That i really don't care anymore.
I don't mind settling for less,
Not getting what i deserve,
Not being treated the way i would want.
In life,
You have to value what you have,
Because there are many people who would kill to be where you are.
I look upon life with sad, pessimistic views,
But that's only because i pass through life,
Driven by selfishness.
But now,
I'm willing to lose my pride and dignity,
Over this "decision".
And i won't care.
Everyone tells me that i should care,
And my dignity is everything.
They say that when i have nothing left,
My dignity will still be there,
And that's all that matters.
But i think,
What will dignity do for me,
If i have nothing to dignify?
If i chose my alternative option,
Would i truly be happy?
Could i really grow to fully accept it?
Maybe.
But this is my last chance,
To do what feels best,
What brings me more happiness then anything in this world.
Am i being naive?
Perhaps.
But i know that happiness is short-lived,
So why not enjoy it while it lasts.
Before the sadness kicks in,
I'll embrace the positives of my "decision",
And i'll feel that sensation i once felt before.
I understand all the consequences of my actions,
And i have full consent on the conditions.
Right now...
I want to do what i think would make me happier,
No matter how much pain i endure after or during,
I know it will be worth it.
And if it isn't,
Then i guess that is just another cold lesson i will learn on my journey through life.
For now,
I do not know how things will turn out.
So i'll keep waiting...
Waiting til my "decision" is fully enforced...

Mykool.

Lately, you've been so caught up with such a simple matter.
I tried so hard to convince you that i'd always be there...
You kept arguing,
And we both fought a meaningless battle...
Look what became of us.
You were so afraid of losing me,
That you pushed me away...
I didn't leave you,
You kicked me out of your life...
You say i mean the world to you,
Yet you could say all those things while we were arguing?
Please,
Do not bother me with your excuses,
Your apologies,
Your pleading...
Whats said is said,
And whats done is done.
I am still here for you Mykool...
Just not personally there.
I'll still look out for you,
You just won't sense my presence,
Because i won't be there...
But in your heart,
I'll always remain...

If we do recover from this,
Then let this be a very cold lesson...
Don't push me over the edge...
Because as i fell,
You also slipped,
And together..
We're nearing to our deaths...

Bye for now Anh Hai.
Your Em always loves you...

You're only human...

Sometimes i wonder why i can't be as simple-minded as others.
Perhaps i was never cut out to be a simpleton.
Or maybe,
I'm so simple that people don't know how to treat me.
I know i can be very confusing at times,
But that's only because some people cause my pessimistic side to show.
Sometimes,
When you're told something repeatedly,
It starts to sink in,
And you start believing what they say,
Whether it be a joke or not.
Its hard to think positively,
When all that escapes other peoples mouths,
Is negativity.
I mean,
Why expect someone to be optimistic,
When all you're doing,
Is telling them the negatives?
Humans;
Such strange and perplexed creatures.
We all doubt things when something good happens,
Yet we complain when it doesn't happen.
I suppose, some things are just too good to be true,
And we search endlessly for reasons to spoil this good "thing".
But when it doesn't happen,
We constantly ponder about how much we want it,
And get disappointed when we wait too long.
We'll never be truly satisfied.

I guess something good has happened to me lately,
But in a way,
Its rather the opposite.
I'm not sure which way i'm leaning towards at the moment.
Its good because it makes me happy,
And i've been waiting for it for so long,
It almost seems like forever that i've been waiting...
It could also be counted as bad because,
During that period of time,
I worked so hard to get where i am today,
But it will just drag me back to the start.
The moment when i'm about to move on,
I get pulled back again...
I'm doubting a lot,
And i'm not sure how to feel.
I suppose before i figure out how i feel,
I need to know how you truly feel...
About me,
And about "her".

But for your sake and for mine,
I will cease all the doubts,
And just live for the moment.
In time i really do need to know what you're thinking...
But for now,
I'll enjoy this good "thing",
Before it ends :)

xx

Mason.

Mason...
Why did you come back?
I let you go,
Why aren't you moving on?

You know how much you mean to me,
You know how much i care about you,
You know...
How much i love you...
But,
Will this just be another stupid repeat?
We've forgiven our mistakes before,
And each time we thought it was all good,
But then it all comes crashing down,
And me and you are left with nothing but pain...
So what difference will there be this time?

I don't want to hurt you anymore,
Because it hurts me twice as much knowing that i cause you confusion and sadness.
Mason,
You are so much better off without me...
Don't you know?
Aren't i the one who makes you miserable?
The one who compels you with hurt and anguish?
I'm not good for you Mason...
Can't you see that?
Or are you just as blind as me?

Nothing would make me happier than to be with you again,
Friends or whatnot...
But i'm just as scared as you are,
And i don't know what i would do if things don't go right this time.
How am i supposed to know how serious you are about this?
Is it fictional writing?
Are you playing with my emotions?
I don't know anymore...

I want to say "Hello",
But there are so many missing pieces...
So before we say "Hello",
Promise me there will be no "Good bye"...

You escaped my view...

Today, i watched the sunset at the top of the carpark.
My favourite thing to do,
At my favourite location.
But today, the sunset seemed more beautiful than usual.
I'm not sure if it was the actual sight that was beautiful,
Or if it was because of the person i was with.

As per usual,
My gaze was mostly set on the clouds.
The sun, i could barely see.
I suppose it was hiding away behind the clouds.
After a while,
The sun fought its way past the clouds,
And together,
They formed a scene too beauteous for a mere mortals eyes to embrace.
A grey sky, turned orange, yellow, pink, purple and blue.
And i had a sudden thought...
Perhaps you're the sun,
And i'm the cloud.
I'm blocking your way,
Making sure you barely exist.
And you're trying to shine through my efforts,
Trying to get through to me.
Maybe if i let you in,
We could also form something beautiful,
Something more magical than we ever could if we were separated.

I didn't see you today,
But apparently you were there.
The slight mention of your name,
And your presence,
Made my heart bleed...
And after a while,
My eyes joined in.
Together they bled bloody crystal tears.
How could i not see you?...
Have i become more blind?
Have you changed that much in physical appearance?
Or was it because, for once in my life,
You weren't in my thoughts...

I never realised how broken i can be,
Thinking about how much i miss you,
And how i just crumble when you're around.
How can i get rid of this feeling?
This feeling of longing to see you,
If i can't even look at you,
Without pouring my eyes out?

When i'm with him,
I don't think of you.
But when i'm reminded,
My mind comes crawling back to our memories,
And i become trapped in your web again...
Should i let myself forget?
Should i just act like this scar on my heart doesn't exist?
That there is no pain?
That you don't exist?
Or should i keep holding onto you even when we're past our goodbyes...
What do you want me to do?...
Help.

Misguided.

After all this time,
I still haven't moved on.
And my heart sure hasn't forgotten either.
Everyone is telling me to find another,
And i have but,
No one else comes anywhere close to you.
I've met many people,
People who would treat me like a princess.
But in the end,
I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect,
Superman,
Or Prince Charming.
You didn't treat me that well,
But i loved you so much.
So when a good guy comes along,
I question myself "Why?".
Why can't i fall for him?
Why is there no chemistry?
Why do i feel nothing?
Such a simple word,
Simple question,
Complicated answer that comes with it.
I think that remembering you,
Makes it impossible to like anyone else.
I try so hard,
To erase you from my memory.
I close my eyes,
And i see your face.
Then i open,
And i see no one.
Loneliness.
I know i said good bye for a reason,
But it kills so much being away from you.
I knew that us being together,
Was too complicated,
That we'd just drive eachother insane.
So i thought i'd let go,
So i wouldn't hold you back anymore,
So that you could find someone better,
So that we'd be at peace.
Though i'm just the same,
I thought that you'd always turn out better than me.
Because thats the way it has always been.
I'm so used to you having an apathetic attitude towards me,
And i'm sure you're very used to me always being pessimistic.
But i realise that you've changed,
And i sure have changed aswell.
If only you could see,
How much i've altered myself,
How much i care...
I really am stupid aren't i?
I said goodbye,
Now i'm trying to drag you back into my life...
I'm lost without any direction.
I don't know what i want from you,
And i don't know what i want from myself.
I just don't know where to go from here.
The map says turn left,
But i see no road.
I'm walking on a dirt road,
Trying to find a path,
A track,
Something that is heading somewhere...
I'm so misguided...
I wished you were here to show me the way...

Perfect imperfection.

What am i?
Compared to her.
What do i have to offer?
That she can't.
How happy can i make you?
When she makes you feel like the world.
How beautiful can i be?
If she's so much more.
She has everything i must live without.
Her perfection surpasses me a hundred times over.
I'm nothing when matched up to her.

I'm missing so many pieces,
Whilst she is completely whole.
She makes you smile,
Whilst i bring you sadness.
She patches up your heart,
While i'm breaking it.
She fills your dreams with elegant beauty,
While i bring you torturous nightmares.
She brings you warmth,
While i make the temperature drop.
She wipes away all your tears,
While i cause them to fall.
She takes away all your fears,
While i bring on the terror.
She shines her light on you,
While i cause the darkness to close in.
She made the path seem so clear,
When i crowded up your lost mind.
She's perfect in every way...
And i'm the definition of imperfection...

"She" is the person you want,
The person i'll never be...

Forever in slow motion.

Have you ever felt so emotionless,
That it feels like the world is in fast forward,
While you're in slow motion?

Everywhere i look, i see couples.
"I love you" they all say.
Such hollow words,
Said with a full smile.
It's so easy to lie these days, isn't it?
Every false truth that escapes those cruel lips of yours,
Can be so easily bought,
By those too lost in their own fantasy.
Too blind to see past your cold slander.
Our hearts cheat us into believing that this love is genuine,
That no one could compare to that person,
That it is everlasting,
That love is forever.
A painful smirk appears on my face,
And i laugh.
"Forever".
One of the most bitter lies someone could tell.
Nothing lasts forever,
Especially something as malleable as "love".
Then again,
Only a fool would believe such things.
Yes...
Only a fool could be convinced that love can never change,
That it can only grow,
That love never fades...
In that case,
I accuse myself of folly.

Pitiful me,
Looking back on meaningless memories.
I look up at the sky,
Fighting back the regretful tears seeping from my eyes.
I wonder when these wings of love,
Are ready to set off again.
I dived too quickly into the air,
That i fell once again.
I wonder if you know,
That i could see past all the deceit,
That it drove me insane knowing what you hid away,
That i was never misled by your tales...
But i never said a word,
And faked this smile of mine.
Just like you faked this love.

Ironic isn't it?
When you're so sure of what you know,
Yet you find excuses to go against it.
The truth burns away at your insides,
So you rather give your all in a beautiful lie.
When you're struck with dishonesty,
It pains more than words could comprehend,
And more so when you deny it.

Everywhere i look, i see,
People starring back at me.
The one moving in slow motion,
The one left behind.
The one hypnotised by your fiction,
The one who was foolish enough to believe,
Believe in "forever".

xx

Project modify.

I've decided to make a few personal alterations.
I'm tired of being the way i am,
I know i shouldn't change for the approval of others,
But i'm changing for my own approval.

Tracey's List Of Changes:

-Stop swearing
-Stop being angry
-Learn to not take everything so seriously
-Forget about "him"
-Learn to fake a smile
-Study more
-Learn to be selfless
-Stop raging at people for inadequate reasons
-Be more considerate

Wish me luck :)
Thank you readers,
Shall keep you updated on my progress.
xx

Update. Non-poetic.

Lately, i've developed a bit of an anger problem.
No, its not PMS =.="

It seems like every little thing people do,
Makes me angry and i just have to lash out.
I think this anger is compromising for the absence of my sadness.
Lately i've been a lot happier,
So i guess a side affect of that is...
Rage.

Its getting a bit out of control,
Its rather ridiculous.
I'm not sure how to stop myself from being angry,
But i will stop.
I sure hope so.

Moving on.
Well, my love life has become...
Confusing.
I've managed to block out a certain person,
But new people have entered my life,
And i'm not sure how to go about it.
Not wanting another relationship,
But after someone that will always be there.
My selfishness has caused a lot of grief.
I can never be satisfied.
Sigh...
I don't understand how people can put up with me =.="

Thats all for now,
I have nothing to write =.="
Life sure is boring...

Wings of love.

"Love" is a very broad topic,
There are many different understandings of it.
Whether it be people of this age are not old enough to understand its complexities,
That "love" is the greatest and closest thing there is to a miracle,
Some might even say it is just an illusion.
But i believe that "love",
Is just a word that sums up all that is good.
Because of such aspects like happiness,
Euphoria,
Care,
Compassion,
Trust,
And everything else,
"Love" is formed.
I'm not sure if there is any emotion that could compare to "love",
But i suppose love is like having wings.
If you have wings,
You can fly.
Which is like love because it takes you to new heights.
Places where you've never gotten to on your own,
Scary places which makes you stand upto your fears and doubts...
But when those wings fail,
You fall ten thousand feet to the ground,
Which leaves you with scars and wounds that may never heal.
Sometimes its even hard to get up,
Let alone take that one step that leads you towards the future...
Some are so severely hurt by the impact,
That they just lay there,
Lifeless,
Watching as their life is wasted,
Dwelling on what has happened...
But in the end,
All you can do is recover your wings,
And keep flying...

I'm on my way to recovery,
My wings are covered in bandages and scars,
But in time...
I'll be up in the sky again.
I aim to reach the clouds,
Those sanctum, white objects which float ever so softly...

Before my fall,
I felt so much happiness,
It was all a bit too overwhelming,
But still,
It was the best, most scary experience of my life.
Though my wings gave up half way,
Causing me to fall ever so hard on the cold grounds,
Of which that is this earth,
This life,
This reality...
I suffered for months,
Which felt like forever.
Then one day,
I figured,
The pain wasn't so bad anymore...
Over time,
I realised that my wings were no longer as frail as they once were.
They've grown stronger after all this time.
And i think,
Its about time,
I set off again...
Set off,
On my journey,
Into the sky...

Farewell, Mason.

Nice move.
Checkmate.

I guess its better for both of us this way,
Not talking.
This way our cycle can end.
The cycle where we talk,
We fight,
We blame,
We forget,
We forgive.
Repeat.

Through everything,
I put up with you and your ways.
I know you tolerated me aswell,
And i'm sure it was very difficult for you.
I'm sorry i made you suffer,
I'm sorry i didn't treat you the way you deserve,
I'm sorry i make things complicated,
I'm sorry I make you upset,
I'm sorry we had to fight so many meaningless battles.
And i'm sorry i didn't turn out to be the person you wanted.

The things which brought us closer,
Were also the things which tore us apart.
We were identical in almost every way,
Which is why we drove eachother to insanity.
With the same fatal flaws and bad habits,
We caused eachother so much pain.
The love that once existed,
Could not surpass the mass of conflict that arose.

I know that no matter how hard i try,
Or what i do,
Life will never go my way.
And i will never possess your love,
Or your understanding.
Our selfish pride really did blind me,
It blinded us both.
You were too blind to see the road of destruction you travelled on,
And i was too blind to see,
That you will never love me.

I know i'm stupid for loving you.
Even when it hurts,
I still held on.
Because i believe that maybe one day,
You could return my feelings.
But now i understand you never will,
So i'm letting you go...

The only way to overcome this war,
Is for one side to give up.
And i suppose it is me who waves this lonely, white flag.
I surrender.
This war ends.
I wish you happiness for tomorrow and onwards.
Hope your life is better without me.
I'm not sure what my heart will do,
But rest assured,
My heart will never get to you...

I have nothing left to say,
But i will take you up on what you said.
Perhaps one day i won't need to fake a smile,
Maybe i'll truly be happy...
Though you won't be here to smile with me,
I know your smile will live on...

This is my sincere...
Goodbye.

One year. 280808

I never believed that you were there for me,
Because you weren't.
I never understood why you were so distant,
But now i do.

Its one year since we were first together,
When our journey began.
It was a short journey,
But together we shared so many memories.
I learnt what love was,
And together we found happiness.

Unfortunately our happiness was short-lived,
Because you never understood me,
Or even tried to consider how i felt.
I wanted you to be there,
I gave you so many opportunities,
But not once did you seize them.

Its not hate nor am i denying my heart.
The way i feel towards you is based on how you felt towards me,
And how you cared for me.
Maybe you're the one denying your heart...
Because of me,
You changed.
Perhaps you changed because of how you regret being with me...

Fear should not keep you from what you want,
For you show true strength when you overcome this weakness of yours.
Don't try to assume our future,
Whether we do or not,
Who knows.

It makes me sad to think that we're not together,
And the fact that you will never love me.
I wonder what today means for you,
Whether it means anything at all.
Within this one year,
I know we've suffered a lot.
Such a wasted year it has been.
We both seek something neither of us can find,
But perhaps we're too blinded by our pride.

I've always accepted you for the way you were,
For the way you are.
Perhaps i don't like how you've changed,
But perhaps what i love about you still remains...

I wished that our journey could continue,
And that we could celebrate today.
But i guess,
Today is just honored by me.
As painful as that is to admit.

I say these words.
From my heart to yours...
I still love you.
Happy one year.

If only we made it this far...

Never say "hello" when you really mean...
"good bye"...