Self reflection.

I'm just reflecting on where i am in life at the moment.
So far my studies aren't so great, quite average, something i need to work on.
Friends, i'm not sure who they are right now. I miss the ones i've lost, take forgranted the ones that stay.
I am currently needing money, love and a plan for the future.
I'm not exactly sure what i want to do in the future, i'm not sure of anything right now.
I don't know what i want anymore.
Things of the past still occupy my mind. Trying to work my way through it i guess.
I hate being the only one who cares when it comes to relationships.
I feel as if i am victimising myself constantly, then again i suppose i am.
I'm quite selfish.
I'm always pessimistic, i suppose i should be more positive.
I'm really tired of all the drama going on these days with my friends. I'm doing my best to support them, but they aren't helping themselves so thats leading nowhere.
Everyone is so caught up with their own things, no one really cares about me now.
Just trying to get by.
I wish i had someone i could fight through life with like i used to. Now he's gone, i need someone else to support me.
I'd like to meet more people, not satisfied with those i know now.
I miss being loved and loving others. Such a distant memory.
Lifes quite dull right i now, i wish something happens to lighten it up.
I'm quite angry these days, having major mood swings.
I rage at the smallest things, and whats worse is that i know i'm being too angry, but that doesn't really stop me.
I don't like to worry my friends and being sad all the time, i just can't help it i guess.
I know i'm useless, but i try to better myself.
I just wish people wouldn't take me seriously all the time.
I'm extremely stubborn and timid but who isn't these days.
Oh, i need a new hairstyle. The one i have now is so boring.
I just want to cut and dye it into something crazy, too bad i'm not allowed to. Angry asian parents.
I need to find a new hobby aswell, just to help time pass by all that more quicker.
To be honest, i'm quite afraid to live...
Most people fear death, but death isn't all that scary. Because once you're dead then thats it. But living is much harder, because you know you exists, therefore you must deal with all the shit in your life. Now that is something that is scary.
Its hard to understand people, let alone understand myself.
I think we should all have a manual for our lives, wouldn't that make everything all that much more easier.
Sigh.
I'm really missing someone right now...
It hurts to be hated,
It hurts to be lied to,
It hurts even more when you miss someone who hates you and lies to you...
Well thats all for now.
Thank you for reading.
xx

Death awaits.

This is just something i made up. Just fictional writing :)



This world of mine,
This life,
A fate controlled by those who rule me.
Trying to get by,
Trying not to step out of line,
Fearing the consequences of those actions.
Outside my cold, cramped walls,
I see smiles,
People happily embracing eachother,
Not a single person who knows loneliness.
Do you see what i see?
I don't think you do.
For your eyes are not mine,
You do not see the chaos i see,
You do not know the pain i endure.
Back inside my prison-like house,
I weep by myself,
Alone i weep.
These walls are not enough to block out the sounds,
The sounds of laughter and happiness.
These noises,
They're torturous.
The rest of the world can be happy and do as they please,
While i'm left to be tormented,
To be driven into insanity.
How much longer can i hold on...
How much longer can i hold onto nothing...
How much longer will i pretend there's something there...
How much longer will i wait for death to take me...

Worlds away.

Since you don't bother to talk to me, let alone reply,
I'll give you my final(i hope its my final =.=") words.

I know i'm not perfect,
I know i'm very demanding,
I know i confuse you,
I know i expect too much,
I know i have a bad temper,
I know i'm not the best friend at times,
I know i take you forgranted.
I know i'm too dependant of you,
I know i'm selfish...
But after all these years you put up with it,
You helped me,
You stood by me,
You made me the person i am now.
You gave me strength to stand on my own,
You gave me courage,
You gave me happiness...
Its funny how it ends now.
After all we tried,
After all we did.
In the end...
It couldn't be helped.
I trusted that you would try til the very end,
But i guess somewhere along the way you gave up.
You could say it was my fault,
You could say many things...
But in the end,
They are just mere excuses...
Keep hiding all you want,
Because i will no longer seek you.
Its sad that after all we've been through,
Our places in this world are elsewhere...
Worlds apart we shall remain,
Always,
And for eternity...

A new start.

I've written many, many blogs now.
And most of them are about a certain person and a certain problem.
I've said this to myself and in my blogs many times.
And i know i said i was serious before,
But now,
I am deadly serious.
No more turning back.
No more contradicting.

Starting over. Forgetting the past. Moving forward.


When i'm not with you,
My mind always clogs up with thoughts of us.
But no longer shall you haunt my memories and dreams.
When i see you,
I just wish you could see me.
But no longer shall i yearn for your attention.
When i feel lonely,
I long to be in your presence.
But no longer shall i miss you.
When i think back to when we were happy,
I just wish to go back in time.
But no longer shall i embrace the past.
When i lay awake at night,
I wonder what it would be like if you were still here.
But no longer shall i dream of such things.
When you constantly lie and treat me like this,
I feel like i'm falling harder than the tears trickling down my face.
But no longer shall i shed a tear for the likes of you.
When i think of how i let you go,
I can't help but regret my mistake.
But no longer will i see it as my fault.
When i think of how much i love you,
I can't help but wonder if you loved me back.
But no longer will i care about that...
I know the answer is no...
So i won't care anymore..
No longer,
Shall i care about you...
I just wish i have the strength to make this true.
I hope i don't make myself out to be a liar...

Question to my readers :)

Is the bond you have with someone that important that you won't stop caring even if it causes you so much pain?

I wonder...

Can anyone answer this question?

xx

Rage @:

Mood: Pissed off
Okay, right now i'm not at my best so i'm just gona complain for a bit just to clear my system.
Sorry to my readers about the shit i'm going to type =.="

To person#1
You're so full of shit it fucking sets me off just by thinking about how i forgave you. "I'll try"? FUCKING SUCK MY DICK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!! =.="
I'm tired of your constant lies and broken promises, i have no idea why i bother caring about you and shit with the way you treat me. We don't talk anymore, you don't notice do you? I try and talk to you, and what you just ignore me? Don't tell me you couldn't be fucked or someshit when you talk to others alright so FUCK YOU! I'm not going to bother with you anymore, i'm so over this.

To person#2
You're even worse than person#1 !! YOU'RE A FUCKING DOG! Can't you ever be straight with me? Must you hide everything and act infront of me? BULLSHIT! I hate you, I hate you...
I wish i could hate you! I'm tired of your mood swings, why must you always change your mind all the time? Stop being so indecisive...
Can't you see you're killing me...
You don't even care...
So, don't expect me to act like nothing is wrong anymore...
When you see me, i won't be nice..
I'll treat you the way you treat me..


Wahh this cleared my system...
Thanks for reading my shit x]
xx

Don't blink.

Sometimes our own foolishness is the cause of the sadness we feel.
When we've lost someone,
We can't let it go.
But we should've grabbed a hold of them before they had the chance to disappear.
When we're missing someone,
We keep thinking about ways to bring them back,
Almost to the point of insanity.
But sometimes the answer is closer than we realise.
When we love someone and don't recieve love back,
We try to forget about them.
But whats so bad about loving them?
We're all too blind to see what we have,
Even when the beauty of it all is presented right infront of us.
We say we're looking,
But whats the point of looking when we're all blinded by our imagination.
I accuse you of folly,
Though i'm a fool myself.
We all are.
The simplicities of life are made into giant complications,
Because of our own selfishness,
Our own stubbornness,
Our will to find perfection.
The moment we try to compare with perfection,
Is the moment when it all comes crashing down.
We all have our own struggles in life,
And we all take it differently,
But just take a second to stop and think,
Before we close our eyes and that special someone disappears.
Without even noticing,
They could already be halfway out the door,
And sometimes they never come back.
Run,
Grab hold,
Don't let them escape,
Because in just a blink,
They could slip away,
And be gone forever.