Cursed.

It frustrates me how my heart and emotions refuse to follow what my mind is saying.
Move on.
Move forward.
Don't look back.
Don't hold on.
Let them go.
Be happy.
My head is crying out,
But my heart isn't listening.
I don't understand why my heart must be so stubborn.
Why it won't just do as i tell it to.
My heart argues.
I can only love one person.
I beat only for them.
I don't wish to walk away.
I never want this love to die.
They both contradict each other.
How bothersome.
I can't stand this madness anymore,
Someone please free me from all this.
It feels like i'm cursed,
Continuing to love you,
Continuing to care.
Help me lift this burden which i carry.
...
I look around at the empty spaces,
It seems there's no one here to help.
I guess i must fight this battle on my own.
One might say,
Fighting a lonesome,
Endless battle,
Is much like...
Suicide.

(un)conditional love?

Unconditional love.
Is there really such a thing?
Can we truly be happy just by loving someone,
Even if we get nothing in return?
I used to be happy with just loving that certain person,
Making him happy,
Seeing him smile.
His joy was total bliss to me,
Its like i functioned from knowing he was happy.
But i guess times have changed.
Back then, i didn't mind getting nothing in return,
But now it pains me ever so much.
Watching him smile,
Watching him be happy...
With someone else.
I'm no longer the source of his happiness.
But isn't unconditional love still meant to stand?
Even though i'm not the one to bless his life with laughter,
He is still happy because he has someone else.
Shouldn't i just be happy knowing he's happy?
It's not like i stopped loving him or anything.
So why aren't i satisfied with just that?
I want this feeling to go away,
To disappear.
This horrible feeling of not being needed,
Unwanted,
Unacknowledged,
Unloved.
I suppose i just have to live with it.
There's nothing i can do about it,
His heart chose what it wanted,
So i guess i must respect that.
Even though my smile has died,
I hope he continues to be happy.
In a way,
I guess some things don't change...

Chasing up on history.

I was reflecting back on my life,
And i realised that i mainly struggle with people walking in and out of my life.
I'm sure everyone has had this experience,
And i'm sure you would agree that it sucks.
I'm sad that people leave and abandon me in time of need,
but what happens when they wish to return?
I don't know if my heart is willing to forgive them,
And accept them anymore.
No matter how much i miss and love them,
The fact that they left without a care,
Causes the stubborn parts of me to show.
And all the reasonable parts in me to hide.
So where should i go from here if such a thing happens?
I'm telling myself that i'd never be able to forgive,
But it feels like i'm dying from being away from them.
People tell me that if i truly value them,
I'd be able to forgive,
Because they're worth letting go,
Because they're everything to me.
But is that all there is to it?
I'm afraid i'll run a million miles away to avoid their return.
Why would you return now, after all this time?
Why?
I think i have no choice but to surrender and forgive,
But i keep trying to fight back.
I've raised my white flag,
But continue to shoot.
I keep procrastinating,
But i want this to be over and done with.
I suppose the main point i'm trying to make is that,
If you return,
Don't expect my heart to open upto you again,
Because at the moment,
Its on lock down.
But please know,
I still love you,
And i doubt i'll ever stop.
However,
I think its too late for you to come back to me,
You've chosen your path,
Just keep moving forward like you were,
Don't look back.
Though i won't be there to greet you in the future,
I've already said my goodbyes in the past.

Reflections of the lost.

I also found this poem i wrote a while ago in my mac.

When i look into the mirror,
All i see is a sad, miserable little girl.
Salty tears flood her eyes,
Burning her skin as the trickle down her pale face.
Her black hair hanging across her face,
As if she's trying to block out the sunlight,
Block out the sight of the world.
Creating darkness,
A synthetic night.

There's an old saying,
That a persons eyes are a window into their soul.
But when i look into the mirror,
Into the reflection of her eyes.
All i see is an empty darkness,
Not a trace of light.
She's dead inside,
Completely lifeless and hollow.

I can hardly recognise this girl,
But no matter how i think about it,
Its me looking back at my own reflection.
This is the girl i have become,
This is me...

Messages from the past...

I just got my mac laptop fixed, and i found this. It's something i wrote about 7 months ago. It's kinda poorly written but it means a lot to me because this event, this person, changed my life, and who i am...And he still does til this day.

It was all me,
The choices we made,
The words and thoughts we contributed,
The sweet kisses we shared,
It was me that started them,
And it was you watching me do it.
I always thought we had something special,
Something worth trying and fighting for,
But it was me trying,
It was me fighting,
And it was you watching.
You didn't love me,
You didn't care,
You were full of lies,
And it was me thinking they were true.
I question whether i love you now,
Whether i miss you.
My conclusion to these doubts are that,
I loved who i thought you were,
And i miss who you used to be.
Has anything changed from then til now?
I guess one thing has changed.
As i write this poem,
And pour out my tears and emotions,
Its all me.
But you're no longer here to watch...

I can't believe you

Its strange how you think you know certain people,
Then the next moment they prove you wrong.
They change in so many awful ways.
It brings tears to my eyes,
Knowing that they've become such disgraceful people.
One persons betrayal has left me so hurt.
I can't explain this pain,
Because it couldn't possibly be put in words.
Another persons selfishness has caused them to hurt someone so deeply,
Knowing how they treated that person leaves me feeling so disappointed.
I don't even know if i can look the person in the eye anymore,
Because all i see is a heartless, troublesome being.
They are nothing close to how they used to be,
The loving, caring, sweet person they used to be,
Is buried somewhere deep inside this disturbed child,
And it seems, it will never escape past all the hate that they now harvest.
And the other certain someone has caused so me much confusion.
I'm getting so many different signals and messages from them that my head is spinning.
I can't believe anything they're saying,
Because i don't know what is true or false.
If there is any truth in what they say.
I can barely comprehend how i feel right now,
With all these people playing with my head,
My heart is completely lost.
Its sinking...
Drowning...
Swallowed by the darkness...

Acceptance

For those who treat everything with such complexities,
Are destined to end up in misery.
Being caught up in such simple matters,
Are what causes you confusion and frustration.
If we all just learn to accept and move on,
Then life won't seem so complicated,
And we won't have to complain all the time.
I guess it takes a while for that to happen.
Even though we have the knowledge,
And perhaps we also possess the strength,
We wish not to let go,
We want to keep holding onto what is no longer there,
Because in the end,
That's all you really have.
The memory of what once was,
And what is never to be again.

So far away.

My heart is so engulfed in sorrow.
I don't know what to do to take the pain away.
It hurts.
I'm so determined to free myself from all this,
But i suppose i don't have the strength to fight.
I'm so weak and vulnerable right now,
Hearing your name even brings me sadness.
What am i supposed to do?
I forget you for a while,
Then the memories return.
Why are you a memory in the first place?
You should be here with me in the present,
In the future,
For eternity.
I guess its all too late.
You're so unreachable.
I miss you.
But i guess we've both given up a while ago.
I don't know why its so hard to let go.
Time isn't helping at all,
Because it feels just like yesterday.
Time is a merciless thing,
But in this case,
Time doesn't even exist.