Blank.

No words left to say,
No feelings left to express,
No thoughts left to share.

At this point in my life,
Everything has faded to nothing.
The problems have dissolved,
All the hate is gone.
The love has disappeared.
The happiness, unknown.

Nothingness...

How boring.

Fictional Writing;The World Of The Insincere

A girl, her face pale, dark circles ring around her eyes, her hair a mess, deadly tears seep past her eyelids.
This girl is lost in an unfamiliar place,
A place she never thought she'd end up in.
Filled with painted faces and masks; the insincere.
She roams around helplessly, not knowing how she ended up here.
Confusion wells up her mind, as lies well up her ears.
This girl is trying to find her way out of this cruel, untrue world.
Each artificial smile that her eyes come across, feels like another sword just pierced through her fragile heart.
She's trying to convince herself that she'll be fine, that these painted faces will vanish.
But mere excuses will get her nowhere, and she knows that well enough.
Anger and annoyance builds up within herself,
She's fighting to keep it all inside but her emotions fight through her will.
Powerful screams escape her tight lips,
And the insincere stare in amusement.
Here stands a girl, with all seriousness written on her face,
Surrounded by those with synthetic persona.
Slowly, her screams become faint whispers...
The sound of others drowns out her excruciating pleas for help.
The bickering increases, the sounds are abusing and cold.
Compelling, the dark atmosphere consumes the girl...
She can't hold on anymore,
All of these overwhelming events are tormenting her.
Lies can be fatal,
This girl found out the hard way...

One-sided Friendship

After all these years, every mistake you did, every fight you conjured up..
I put up with it, i dealt with your shit, i was the bigger person.
But when i slip up, when i make a mistake, its like the world is ending.
Why is this?
When you want to do something and i complain, you get angry.
But when i want to do something, you complain, and that's okay?
When i want to be calm and rational,
You scream at me over something silly.
When i say the smallest thing that offends you,
You crush my soul with harsh words, but in the end we're all cool?
When you're wrong and i'm the one to apologise first, you have nothing to say?
When you make me cry, you act as if nothing is wrong? That nothing ever happened?
If you're in trouble i drop everything to help you out,
But when i need you, you couldn't care less?
You cause all these problems for me, but i put up with it, because you're my friend.
But can friendship be one-sided?
Why should i continue to be your friend, if i'm treated like the enemy?
I accept your flaws, i understand your bad habits, i know who you are...
But why don't you try to understand me?
Why is it that i'm the one to blame?
I'm only human...
What do you expect from me...
I try my hardest to do everything i can for you,
But in the end...
It means nothing.
I mean nothing.
But as always, after every fight, we act as if nothing happened..
And i will have to keep going through this time and time again...
How much longer can put up with it?
After 9 years...i just don't give a shit anymore...

Breaking free.

The silver feels cold in my clenched hands,
Squeezing tightly, i can feel the chains slowly indenting itself into my skin.
As i walk towards the buildings edge, i think back to how long i've held onto this.
Increasing my speed, i ditch the item within my hands.
Sparkling in the sun, before landing somewhere unknown.
It was due time for me to let go of what i've grabbed hold of for so long.
My eyes are searching for it, my heart full of regret.
But its over.
Lost forever.
My intentions granted.

The charms that once bound us together,
I return to you.
From and simple touch, or glance, brings back the memories of how they came to be.
A present from you to me.
I can't look back without seeing heartache and regret,
So keep it or do as you wish.
I'm slowly ridding myself of what made us, us.
Because "us" does not exist, not anymore.
There is no "we", there is only a you, and only a me.

I swallow these words i cannot voice.
I close my eyes and fight back these tears.
I turn away from these thoughts.
I create refuge for my wounded heart.

A toast to my new beginning.

Answer to your problems.

Lately it seems that everyone has become upset about something about their life.
They are now experiencing what i used to struggle with,
And i must say, it has really opened my eyes.
When i was in their position i used to feel like just dying right then and there,
But after hearing about their own suicidal thoughts,
I've realised how stupid they sound, and how stupid i must've been when it was me.
Of course everyone has their ups and downs in life,
After all, it is what makes us grow,
But sometimes our thoughts just dig our own graves.
Now, as a third person bystander, i can see how pathetic such problems are.
Yes, very hypercritical seeing as i used to be just like them,
But now i suppose i've grown out of depression.
After everything i've gone through,
I find depression kinda boring.
Well anyways, this enlightening topic has conjured up more questions.

Why is it so hard to not belong?
This was a huge problem for me a while back.
I now see that when we feel left out, its just a struggle that comes with loneliness.
Loneliness is something that could destroy a person,
But its something all must face eventually.
And sometimes, our loneliness is all in our heads. If you're surrounded by people who accept you and all, whats there left to be lonely about?
Well, i'm not simple-minded enough to believe that but in a way i do.
Though it is a simple question, why do us lowly humans make it out to be so complicated?
I've come to the conclusion that if you have atleast one person who you care about, and they care about you...
Then that's more than you'll ever need to overcome loneliness...

Why does love hurt so much?
Another situation i've struggled with in the past and i suppose a little at the moment.
"Love" such a controversy.
I personally think "love" is overrated.
We humans destroyed its meaning.
Though "love" is well and truly alive in my heart,
In others, perhaps not.
We all have our different views on it, our own objections, but love is love.
You can't define something so universal.
I think "love" isn't what brings pain...
The person you love or who loves you,
Is what brings you pain.
Of course, rejection hurts and so do lies, broken promises, shattered trust, etc.
When you love someone dearly, you change, in many ways.
It makes you feel so secure yet so vulnerable at the same time.
When you love someone, they understand you better, are able to read you because you let them into the deeper depths of your heart that no other has ever reached before.
Because of this, when things happen which makes the bond falter, we become scared or hurt.
Its not the love that hurts us,
Its the way we feel when the love is unstable. It is ourselves who inflict pain. Sure, the other might have caused it, but it is our strong feeling towards that person, is what hurts us.
At certain points in our life we think that love only brings pain but, it also grants you knowledge.
After your relationship ends, you learn more about yourself, the other person and what you want and don't want.
Past all the hurt and pain, comes understanding and enlightenment.
So in the future, you'll know what you're looking for and you might be able to look past all the things which might have caused the first heartbreak...
So in your new relationship, you can handle things better, and its all because of the one who crushed you in the past...

There are more struggles in the world, these are just the most common i suppose...
That's it for now...
There is always a way to solve a problem, though it might not be an exact answer, there is always a way out...

New realisation.

I was so convinced that the pain i felt would always be there,
Like a permanent scar to my heart.
But now, its as if the scar faded away,
And became one with my heart.
The pain has disappeared and i'm cured from this hurt.
Over time, i've realised that not being with him isn't such a big deal.
I see him with her,
But no longer does it tug at my heart.
I see their smiles,
And i smile with them.
Everything was such a mess,
But now i guess it's all cleaned up.
I was falling apart after just hearing his name,
But its just like any other word now.
Perhaps i've finally learnt to let go and move on.
Letting go; something i've always questioned.
This new realisation has given me an answer,
Letting go is not necessary about forgetting,
More like being able to see them as just a friend,
Being able to stop the constant "what if's",
The constant longing for them...
Letting go means to literally stop holding on.
Just like a dove caught in your hands,
Just set it free.
Watch as everything you've ever wanted, known and loved,
Flies away...
And you're content with seeing it all disappear,
Because you're fine with letting go.
In time things will change,
But i know i will always love him.
I just don't need him to be my everything anymore.
He used to be my world,
Everything revolved around him.
But i suppose his gravity stopped pulling me in,
And i was able to move on.
He was like my balloon,
Just like a child i looked upto it in admiration.
My attention never slipped up,
The balloon had it all.
Then i realised that sometimes other things bring you greater happiness,
So i let the balloon slip out of my fingers,
And slowly float away into someone else's hands...
___________________________________

Hopefully you'll treat her right,
Better than you treated me.
I just wanted to say...
Thank you.
You were mean,
You treated me like shit...
But you let me experience what love was,
And all the pain has made me grow stronger than ever.
I hope you'll be able to experience the same love i felt towards you with her...

Parable; Roses

Sitting by herself in a garden complete with grass and roses, is a little girl.
The air is filled with the sweet scent extruding from the blooming flowers.
Little rays of sun escape the gaps of the clouds, creating a subtle yet warm light.
With such a beautiful and peaceful surrounding,
Her eyes are only set on one thing; the roses.
The bright crimson red, the aromatic smell, all of it is...
The essence of beauty and perfection.
The little girl was so excited to be able to embrace such a sight,
Carelessly she attempts to pick the rose.
Unaware, the sharp, deadly thorns pierced her finger.
Small drops of blood fall to the ground,
Creating contrast with the grass.
Shocked, the little girl curses at the rose and questions why;
Why would something so beautiful hurt me?
Why can't i have you?
Why am i bleeding?
Why does it hurt?
Soon after, another little girl shows up.
Also blown away by the beauteous sight,
She also attempts to pick the rose.
Ignoring the little girl sobbing over her pain,
She manages to avoid the thorns without any struggle,
And delicately picks the rose.
The sulking little girl stands there astonished.
Eventually, hate and jealousy started to build up,
And she lashes out at the roses.
She swears to never touch or go near a rose ever again.
And the other little girl? Well, she can have all the roses in the world.
Of course jealousy will always be there and pain will always linger,
But there are other gardens to sit in,
And plenty of other flowers to pick...

Moral of the story, don't pursue what only brings you pain and sadness...

Venting.

Mood: Melancholic.

At the moment i feel very useless, like i'm not good enough. It seems that no matter how hard i try, my best is never enough. I'm tired of losing to people...I feel so hopeless...I hate it.

Sometimes i wish life would go my way for once.
Its selfish to want that, but i can't catch a break sometimes.
I know i'm not an angel, and i am far from perfection, but seriously...
Why am i put through so much shit?
I put my everything into certain things,
And some others don't even need to try to gain it.
I try to be happy and optimistic,
Just as people tell me to be.
But i see no difference...
I do feel all that much better,
But i don't feel that i've accomplished anything.
I don't even know who to turn to anymore.
Everyone is so distant,
I can't seem to reach anyone...
I don't understand why i'm so easy to replace,
And i hate knowing that i mean nothing.
I'm trying so hard to hold myself together,
I really am...
But...
I need support...
And there's no one here to lend a helping hand.
All i need is for someone to hold me and say "it's okay, i'm here for you".
But all that comforts me is the wind blowing against my skin and the eerie silence around me...
I feel so cold...
I wish someone was here.

Each day is the same,
I'm putting all my efforts into maintaining a typical me.
Though i act the same,
I'm totally different on the inside...
My words are empty,
My smiles are hollow,
The laughter is just a lie...
No one notices the pain i feel and i doubt they'd care.
I'm growing really tired of it actually...Not exactly used to covering up what i'm feeling.

I feel so ugly. When i look in the mirror i just can't stand the sight of my reflection.
As ashamed as i am to say, make-up makes me feel a little better about myself.
I for one am not a strong believer in make-up...But as my emotions darken so does my make-up...
I really do hate this...
What am i becoming?
I'm really...afraid...
Of myself right now...
I'm afraid of being alone...
I'm afraid that i'll never be able to be truly happy...

"Don't worry, cheer up".
The next person who says that, will get slapped =.="
I worry because well that's what i do...
I worry and over-think things.
I am a drama queen.
I am a person who cries over spilt milk.
I am a glass-half-empty person.
And i will cheer up on my own terms.
Yes, i am aware i am very emotionally unstable, but that doesn't make me a complete pessimist.
I am happy most of the time.
Its just when shit goes down, the drama queen in me is brought to life.
I'm happy when i'm happy.
I'm sad when i'm sad.
I just wish people would stop categorizing me as "emo" and all...
That's not all that i am...
And i wish people would stop talking to me as if they understand how i feel or the situation itself.
I know deep down that if they were in my shoes, they wouldn't handle it so well...
So stop criticising me with your hypocrisy!

Sigh...
At times like this i can't help but consider death an option...

That is why it's called the present...

Why don't you just move on?
A question i frequently hear.
What does it mean to move on?

Everyone tells me i should be out there seeing guys,
Finding someone new,
But what's the point?

I sit back as i watch the world that surrounds me.
Everywhere i look i see children,
But they don't act like children.
People these day's grow up far too quickly,
Well they think that they're growing up anyways...
Children trying to act like adults is just fictional.
Are they really growing up too quickly,
Or just acting like they do?
Sure, they wear make-up, fall inlove, go to parties, etc etc.
But is that really growing up?
I always thought of "growing up" as being mature.
Instead of whining like a child,
Grown up's talk in a decent and composed manner.
Instead of throwing around the word love like it has no meaning,
Grown up's show their love and understand that its not just a four-letter word.
Instead of stacking on the make-up in attempt to increase their age,
Grown up's use it to decrease they're age because they'll never return to their youth.
Instead of racing through time by drinking and partying,
Grown up's take time to embrace what they have before it's all gone.
Instead of taking drugs to escape problems,
Grown up's work things out without resorting to such pointless things.
Our generation are so misguided with false pretenses.
We race time as if we'll die without living a full life.
Of course, no one is guaranteed a tomorrow,
But that doesn't give us an excuse to waste away our youth, right?
So why should i be in such a rush to be in a relationship that probably will last as long as a blink of an eye?
I don't want to be the type of person who takes people forgranted,
But i am...
I don't want to be the type to just date anyone for the sake of dating,
And i'm not.
I don't want to be the type of person who tries soo hard to prove that they're not a child,
Because i am a child.
I don't want to use up my youth,
Because i'll never get it back...
Live for the moment,
Live the happiness while it lasts,
Just don't do anything stupid along the way...
Because what i do now is what sets my future,
And so far it doesn't look so great...
But i'm still a child right?
I can fix this.
I can work towards a better future...
Or perhaps i should work towards a better now...
Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery,
But today is a gift...