Monday, April 27, 2009

Emancipated.

This is it,
I'm breaking this cycle,
This stupid chain,
This horrible fate.
I'm at my limit,
I can no longer sit back and watch any longer.
Its time for me to take action,
To take back my life,
To redeem myself,
My pride,
My all.
You had me by a thread,
But i'm cutting you off.
I won't let you interfere with my happiness,
And i won't stand in the way of yours.
Wake up soon,
And get over yourself.
Because i sure am.
If you wish to continue to deny your true intentions,
Then go for it.
I won't let myself be affected by you anymore.
My emancipation starts now.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Cycle of pain.

I'm driving myself insane.
I always have to get ahead of myself,
And my expectations just run wild.
For once in a very long time i thought that this hate cycle broke,
But its back and continues to circulate.
I thought that since you came back,
Life would keep rising as it did.
But i guess its plummeting now.
Your eyes are no longer on me,
But wonder and stare at others.
Unfortunately my eyes won't look away from you,
And im stuck with this one-sided love for eternity.
I guess it was always like this,
Ever since the start.
I know i shouldn't be affected by this,
Because i've been through it,
More than once,
More than twice,
More than a hundred times.
Why am i so surprised?
This is how a cycle is meant to work right?
I can't stop getting hurt and expecting the same things,
Because there is no end to this.
And my heart won't let me move on,
My eyes refuse to stop gazing at you,
My mind won't stop thinking about you.
Everything of mine is so accustomed to you.
I hate this feeling,
It pains me ever so much.
But what hurts the most,
Is not being the only one by your side,
Not being the only one you love,
Not knowing that i'm loved by you at all,
Not being able to stop loving you.
This love i have for you,
Is so strong that i can't even fathom whether,
It will ever be malleable.

Friday, April 24, 2009

My superman.

I thought i was done for,
But you flew in and saved me.
I was falling off the edge,
But you caught me as i fell.
You shined your light on me,
And freed me from the darkness.
You returned my smile,
And mended my shattered heart.
You helped me to overcome everything,
And i'm so grateful.
I always thought that happiness was unreachable,
But you proved me wrong.
Life's finally looking up,
And i hope it keeps rising.
I'm not naive enough to think it will always be good,
I know there will be problems in the days and weeks ahead.
But i will work through it,
Because as long as you're here,
Nothing could possibly break me.
I hope you will stay by my side,
Never will you become a memory of the past,
Because i know you will be my present and future.
Whatever obstacles i may face from here on,
I'm ready to fight back,
And i will succeed.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

happy birthday

Though this message probably won't reach you...
I'd like to say it anyway...
Happy birthday
21.04.09

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Forgive me.

So lately i've been rather depressed.
I thought it was because of certain people and aspects in my life,
But i think its because i keep looking down on myself.
When i think of certain people,
It makes me realise how much i did wrong.
All this regret is eating through me,
And i can't seem to redeem myself.
I was so caught up in the small problems,
That i missed what was most important.
I said so many hurtful things,
And left out what i truly wanted to say.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that,
I was wrong.
Forgive me.
I was so blinded by my own grief,
That i didn't see how much you were suffering.
I never once considered you,
And i was completely selfish.
When it comes to you,
I can't help but think of myself.
I over-react because of stupid things,
But when it comes to you,
I can't brush them off so easily.
It would've been easier if i had just ignored the small things,
But when it comes to you,
I can't help but make a fuss.
I try and stay strong,
But when it comes to you,
I can't help but be vulnerable.
I used to think that you were what made me strong,
because you supported me and all.
But now that i think about it,
I become weak because i can't live without you.
I'm sorry i'm so useless.
Forgive me.

Last goodbye..

I'm always running,
Searching,
Trying,
Fighting,
And just as i'm about to reach you,
I don't.
Do you really think i'd chase after you forever?
Stop kidding yourself.
I've lost you,
Even the memories are starting to fade.
I won't pursue you anymore,
Because i guess your love is elsewhere.
I'm sorry i couldn't make you happy.
I'm sorry i ever tried.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Game over.

My doors are shut,
My room is locked,
My heart is no longer open.
I want to keep everyone and everything away from me.
Remembering you,
Makes me painfully aware of how powerless i am.
I don't want to think about you,
Because it makes me regret so much.
These question which i ask,
Are results of my own uselessness.
I don't understand why the pain feels so fresh.
I've given up,
I've let go,
But why?
Why won't this pain go away?
Yet again,
Another futile question.
I want to hate you,
I want to blame you,
So i don't have to feel so bad about myself.
But when i try to hate,
When i try to blame,
It just cuts me even deeper,
And in the end,
I'm just hurting myself.
Perhaps its me that's running away from you,
Running to a far away place where you can't hurt me.
I want you to search,
To find me.
If you do,
I'll forgive everything.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
My head and my heart are contradicting each other.
My head is telling me to forget,
But my heart won't stop loving you.
How can i hate someone i loved so dearly?
I'm trying so hard for something so futile.
Its already game over,
But i keep trying to overcome this level.
I'm falling,
I'm failing,
Fatality.
Its game over once again.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Why?

When will enough be enough?
What am i supposed to do when the world leaves me so helpless?
Obstacle after obstacle,
Fight after fight.
Why must i deal with everything?

My heart is left empty.
The spaces i reserved for my loved ones,
Are now vacant.
It seems everyone walked out,
And left me by myself.

Do you expect me to be able to live without you?
Do you think i can cope?
Am i supposed to stay strong with nothing to support me?
Are these tears meant to dry themselves?
Did you have to leave me?

I watch as everyone exits,
I watch their backs faced towards me.
Not a single face can be seen,
And neither can they see my tear-streaked face.
I shudder and shiver,
As their once warm smiles and hugs melts away.
I'm left in the cold.

Have you forgotten i'm alive?
Do my tears mean nothing?
Do i mean nothing?
What can i do to be something?
Won't you reconsider?
How much longer must i wait?

There's no one left to forget me,
There's no one left to care,
There's no one left to love,
There's no one left to bring me happiness,
There's no one left to bring me pain.
I am alone.

Won't someone hold my hand?
Won't someone return?
Won't someone comfort me?
Won't someone care?
How can you watch me fall like this?
How can you forget?

Why am i left with such questions?
Why won't you answer them?
Why?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

No pulse.

There is no longer a reason to write blogs anymore, its not like anyone reads it.
Well i'll write one anyway, just for myself to read.


Its interesting how one can forget so easily,
And how hard it is to remember sometimes.
The more we try the block out something,
The harder it is to forget.
Yet, when we try to remember,
We can never recall it.

There are many things which i question in life,
Because i lack understanding.
Perhaps i do not possess such knowledge to survive in this world.
Explains this constantly feeling of wanting to perish.
Though my head is telling me to live,
My heart seems to be collapsing.

Thump, thump, thump.
Each beat my heart makes,
Feels heavy and suffocating.
Like it is slowly shriveling,
Tightening,
Squeezing,
Dying.

Slow,even thumps,
Shall soon lead to my end.
Thump, thump, thump.
Each beat causing my heart to bleed,
Thump...Thump....Thump...
Is this the end?
Thump....
Flat line...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Nothing but a memory...

The sun is beginning to set,
Another day without you ends.

I'm calling your name,
Do you not hear my sorrowful cries?
I'm searching for you,
Are you hiding away from me?
I'm crying,
Do you not see my flooded eyes?
I'm holding onto your hand,
Can you not feel my warm touch?
I'm leaving you,
Do you not care?
I've deleted you from my life,
Do you not notice?
All the promises you made,
Do you not remember?
You said you'd always be here for me,
Well where are you now?
You said you'd always accept me,
But aren't you neglecting me?
You said you loved me,
Then whats with all this hate?

I do no exist,
Because you do not acknowledge my existence.
Since that is the case,
You no longer exist to me.

You've made me into a memory,
So the past i shall remain....

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Fake a smile.

My days are filled with darkness,
Because your light no longer shines on me.
And all that you emit is disinterest.
Life is not the same anymore,
And i don't know what to do about it.
I know i'm too young and naive to speak of life,
Because it will always go on.
But what if i don't want to go on?
What if i want this to be the end?

Everything you say is untrue.
You make yourself into a liar,
And me into a fool.
I do not and never will understand how you feel.
And even if i did,
Your actions will contradict it.
I'm tired of your bullshit.
You can go die.
I hate you.
And its this hate which pushes me to brush things off,
To not care,
To fake this smile.
This laugh,
This response to you.
Not only are you a liar,
You've also made me one aswell.
I do not care to suffer the consequences of this act of mine,
Because you will never suffer for your wrongs.
I do not exist till you acknowledge my existence,
And even then,
Who knows if i am me,
Or an act which i strive to pull off.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I am gone...

This is the end of me,
I will no longer exist after this.
I can't find a meaning for being.
As far as i'm concerned,
I'm already dead.
This love has taken everything,
With one last breath,
I will disappear.

I can't comprehend how you feel,
Let alone understand my own emotions.
You're just a stranger to me now,
An unfamiliar being.
My gaze will never be set on your profile,
And you will no longer have to stand me.
From today,
I am nothing but a shell of my former self.
An unidentified being of what once was.
The exterior of the remains of me.
With one last breath,
I will disappear.

The memories we shared,
The thoughts of us,
And along with this smile,
This love,
My heartbeat,
Will be gone.
With on last breath,
I will disappear.

Forever waiting for your return,
Breaks my heart a hundred times over.
This love is broken,
Shattered pieces of us surround me.
One day,
Perhaps we'll rebuild what now is broken.
But knowing you,
We'll just walk away from it.
Leaving things the way they are,
Crushed,
Broken,
Disjointed.
And with this one last breath...
I am gone...