Standing outside the door into happiness...

I think i've grown up a bit these past few weeks.
What used to bother me doesn't phase me anymore.
And this "darkness" i used to speak of has vanished.
The light of my new pure spirit has shined upon it.
Not a trace of darkness is left in me.
My eyes, the window into my soul,
Shows only pure light.
Shows only a happy soul.
Shows a new me.
I used to look into the mirror and see a sad, suffering little girl.
Now when i gaze at my reflection i see a woman smiling back at me.
Its strange how one day i was a troublesome child.
And the next day i become a mature woman.
I guess i've learnt to accept the way my life works.
I've learnt to swallow my selfish pride.
I've learnt that i'm responsible for how my life is,
Not because of the problems that arise,
But how i deal with it,
And the choices i make because of it.
I used to be such a miserable person,
And i hated myself and others because of it.
The anger and sadness stored up inside me,
Causing me to break down.
Causing me to screw up badly.
Causing me to run away from those who love me,
Leaving me with the same problems,
But with no one to support me.
I'm more dependent on people than i thought.
I thought that i was always alone and could trust only myself.
But thats not true.
People walk in and out of my life,
But for those who stay,
They mean the most,
And i know i can trust them with my life.
I can trust them with my happiness.
I can trust them.
I know i can.
I haven't been able to find the key to open the doors of happiness just yet.
But i've found the door,
And the right path to take to find that key.
Give me some time,
I will keep fighting to enter the door into happiness.
I will be able to enter.
I will.
Just you watch.
World,
Watch me beat you at your own game.
I will control my own destiny.
So keep watching me.
I will win.
I will.

Another day...another blog...

So another day has passed.
A day just like any other,
I wake up and do my usual routine,
Then off to school i go.
School is quite depressing for me.
Year 10 is so dull and boring so far.
Everything is pretty straightforward and easy.
I wish that someone bombed the school or something,
Just so that something new happened.
Each day is the same.
I sleep in the same usual classes,
Friends laugh and act the same way,
Theres always someone who is sad about something i did,
Or didn't do.
I get yelled at for the same reasons.
Its like God planned out my life by the second.
He's not real, i know he isn't.
Even if he was, i don't think he'd be very imaginative.
There is no God in this world.
This is why we suffer.
This is why we all make stupid choices.
This is why we feel pain.
Because of our own misguided actions and instincts.
If there was a God,
He'd make everyone perfect,
And we'd live in a fake Utopia of happiness.
I wonder what is worse,
Living in our society today,
A place full of hate and pain,
A world without God.
Or a fake Utopia where no one could feel pain,
Because we would all be overwhelmed by God's attempt to be perfect.
I don't know if i could ever live a lie and never be true.
I guess it doesn't matter whether there is a God or not.
People are still affected by him.
We don't know if he's there or not.
But just believing that someone is watching over us,
Gives us guidance and faith.
Its quite contradicting what i'm saying.
For me, God is just a made up character.
I'm not up for believing in something so fictional.
There was a point in my life where i thought he was real.
Way back when i was about 10 or 11.
I used to pray to him whenever i cried because something bad happened.
I prayed to be saved.
I prayed to be rid of the darkness and pain that struck me.
But never did he answer my prayers.
Never did he come to my rescue.
God let me down too many times.
This probably explains my hate for those who believe.
But, whatever floats your boat.
How people live their lives does not concern me.
So whatever.
I think i've become very apathetic lately.
Then again, i think i was always apathetic.
Some things however, hit me hard.
And its difficult to brush it off and not care.
Its difficult to not be emotional.
I've lost a lot of people in my life.
Though i have gained new ones,
I can't help but wish for those lost back into my life.
Am i selfish for wanting that?
I think i am.
After all they did walk out,
And i did let them go.
So why am i regretting?
Why am i wishing i hadn't of pushed them away?
Thankfully, my apathy kicked in again.
And i'm back to not caring.
I've shed enough tears,
I've thought it through enough.
Now i'm just sitting back and whatever happens, happens.
Never again shall i initiate anything.
I don't expect the people in or out of my life to treat me well.
Expectations usually end in disappointment.
Its rather sad thinking this way.
But its true is it not?
Isn't living in a careless world so much easier?
I think i'm just being in denial.
I don't want to feel hurt again.
So i'm acting as if i'm unbreakable.
Perhaps if i act enough i can truly become stronger.
Here i go again,
Being in denial.
Running away from reality,
And entering a dream.

Why do i even bother?

Why is life so complicated?
I realise that i make my life seem worse than it is, i understand.
But still, its too much for someone like me to deal with.
Each day there is a new obstacle to face, a new hurdle to jump over.
Life is like a military course, its designed to make you stronger, smarter, more skillful.
But just like a course, you fall over, you get hurt, you get trapped, you want to just roll over and die.
This is weakness.
This is me.
Thinking that the world is at its end because of what? Someone made me feel like shit?
How pathetic.
Crying, getting angry, over-reacting.
To the extent that i am willing to end my life and face death.
Even accepting the choice of death is stupid.
I suppose that's what i am.
Stupid.
I hate this part of me.
This selfish pride.
I wish i could just swallow it and rid of this emptiness.
This constant feeling that my life is worse than everyone elses.
I'm tired of being vulnerable, i'm sick of being treated like shit.
I want to speak up, but when i try its like i'm lost for words.
I act out on anger which makes things worse.
I get angry, then i become upset, then i regret.
I'm tired of this constant cycle.
This never ending circle of hate and pain.
I want to end it.
I want to be able to smile without regret.
To laugh.
To be truly happy.
To make the people around me happy.
How can such a simple wish be so hard to accomplish?
Here i go again, talking about how crap my life is.
Making it seem like its the worst.
Is it that bad? I'm not quite sure.
I'm not sure of anything these days.
I don't know what i want from life.
From my friends.
From my family.
From myself.
This indecisiveness is killing me.
This is how i feel.
And i feel stupid for feeling this way.
I'm such an idiot.
I think i'm just selfish for wishing for a better life whilst others out there experience greater pains.
Greater obstacles.
Greater problems.
Selfishness and pride.
These are what define who we are.
Everything we believe and act on is based around this.
My pride is selfish.
And my selfishness comes from my pride.
I hate this about me.
I really do.
I hate it to the extent that i just want to melt into the darkness.
And disappear from this sinful world.
This destructive, painful dystopia i have created....