Farewell, Mason.

Nice move.
Checkmate.

I guess its better for both of us this way,
Not talking.
This way our cycle can end.
The cycle where we talk,
We fight,
We blame,
We forget,
We forgive.
Repeat.

Through everything,
I put up with you and your ways.
I know you tolerated me aswell,
And i'm sure it was very difficult for you.
I'm sorry i made you suffer,
I'm sorry i didn't treat you the way you deserve,
I'm sorry i make things complicated,
I'm sorry I make you upset,
I'm sorry we had to fight so many meaningless battles.
And i'm sorry i didn't turn out to be the person you wanted.

The things which brought us closer,
Were also the things which tore us apart.
We were identical in almost every way,
Which is why we drove eachother to insanity.
With the same fatal flaws and bad habits,
We caused eachother so much pain.
The love that once existed,
Could not surpass the mass of conflict that arose.

I know that no matter how hard i try,
Or what i do,
Life will never go my way.
And i will never possess your love,
Or your understanding.
Our selfish pride really did blind me,
It blinded us both.
You were too blind to see the road of destruction you travelled on,
And i was too blind to see,
That you will never love me.

I know i'm stupid for loving you.
Even when it hurts,
I still held on.
Because i believe that maybe one day,
You could return my feelings.
But now i understand you never will,
So i'm letting you go...

The only way to overcome this war,
Is for one side to give up.
And i suppose it is me who waves this lonely, white flag.
I surrender.
This war ends.
I wish you happiness for tomorrow and onwards.
Hope your life is better without me.
I'm not sure what my heart will do,
But rest assured,
My heart will never get to you...

I have nothing left to say,
But i will take you up on what you said.
Perhaps one day i won't need to fake a smile,
Maybe i'll truly be happy...
Though you won't be here to smile with me,
I know your smile will live on...

This is my sincere...
Goodbye.

One year. 280808

I never believed that you were there for me,
Because you weren't.
I never understood why you were so distant,
But now i do.

Its one year since we were first together,
When our journey began.
It was a short journey,
But together we shared so many memories.
I learnt what love was,
And together we found happiness.

Unfortunately our happiness was short-lived,
Because you never understood me,
Or even tried to consider how i felt.
I wanted you to be there,
I gave you so many opportunities,
But not once did you seize them.

Its not hate nor am i denying my heart.
The way i feel towards you is based on how you felt towards me,
And how you cared for me.
Maybe you're the one denying your heart...
Because of me,
You changed.
Perhaps you changed because of how you regret being with me...

Fear should not keep you from what you want,
For you show true strength when you overcome this weakness of yours.
Don't try to assume our future,
Whether we do or not,
Who knows.

It makes me sad to think that we're not together,
And the fact that you will never love me.
I wonder what today means for you,
Whether it means anything at all.
Within this one year,
I know we've suffered a lot.
Such a wasted year it has been.
We both seek something neither of us can find,
But perhaps we're too blinded by our pride.

I've always accepted you for the way you were,
For the way you are.
Perhaps i don't like how you've changed,
But perhaps what i love about you still remains...

I wished that our journey could continue,
And that we could celebrate today.
But i guess,
Today is just honored by me.
As painful as that is to admit.

I say these words.
From my heart to yours...
I still love you.
Happy one year.

If only we made it this far...

Never say "hello" when you really mean...
"good bye"...

Forbidden Dreams.

Lately, my dreams have been compelled with the thoughts of you.
There is nothing else that escapes my mind,
Or my heart.
Deep down in the darkest depths of my soul,
Is a serene place,
Where our memories remain.
Though we may not have a future together,
We still share the same past,
And that is something no one can take away from us.
I wonder if you're thinking about me,
Whether i have a place in your heart.
You never loved me or treated me as well as i thought you would.
Unspoken words and unfulfilled promises.
When i needed you the most,
You were never there.
When i was lonely,
You didn't seem to care.
I loved you through all the hurt and pain,
But your love was so hard to attain.
I'm sorry we had to end,
No longer must you pretend.
I will keep dreaming about you,
Until my dreams come true...

She waits.

You make everything so complicated,
If only you were a simpleton.
You're wasting your time searching for that someone,
When you once possessed her in the past,
But left her behind.
I guess you're too stubborn to look back,
And recall your broken past.
You say you don't know what love is,
But perhaps you're just denying your understanding of it.
You're searching for that "special someone",
When that someone is right here before your eyes.
She's been waiting for you all this time,
Only too speechless and afraid to say a thing.
You're thinking about her,
Don't deny.
She knows you really do care,
You're just too stubborn to regret your mistake.
She stands here,
With tears in her eyes.
Can't you see her pain?
The sadness she endures?
How long will it take for you to swallow that selfish pride of yours,
And return to her side?
Keep searching all you want,
But you'll never find what you're looking for.
Because what you need,
Has been buried under all your denials and regrets.
If you could get past it all,
Then maybe finally,
You'll understand what love is.
Or perhaps,
Enforce your already found understanding.

Contradictions.

You're selfish and unreasonable,
You're confusing and timid.
You're a liar and you're two-faced.
I could write a thousand pages about how much you make me sad,
But i could write ten times as much about how much i love you...
An endless list of flaws,
Followed by an endless list of perfections.
I try to forget about you,
Try and let you go,
Because i'm just hurting myself by remembering.
I'm so scared of being hurt by you,
And i'm so scared that i will never be able to stop loving you.
Everything i say,
Becomes a contradiction.
I say you're nothing to me,
But you really mean the world.
I say i don't care about you,
But that really is absurd.
I say i wished i'd never met you,
But i know i'd surely regret.
I say i want to remove you from my life,
But i wish to never forget.
I say our love is not true
but i wish to only be with you...

Hidden Truths

What is worse?
Knowing a hurtful truth,
Or not knowing at all?
I can't stop thinking about this,
About not knowing.
My desperation grows as my heart sinks,
I want to know so badly.
I want to know what're you thinking,
I want to know how you feel.
Why must the truth be hidden from me?
It can't possibly be as bad as how i'm feeling at the moment.
My mind is mentally stabbing itself,
My heart is set to self-destruct.
This torment is too much for me to handle.
Please,
Just tell me,
I need to know...

Unchanged.

When i see you,
My guard falls,
My spirit withers away,
Everything about me just crumbles.

What is this pain?
This horrible feeling in my chest.
It feels as if i'd just been stabbed in my fragile heart,
Although there's no blood and mess.

I don't know what it is about you,
That makes me break instantly at just the sight of you.
I miss you so much i can't simply put it in words,
But being near you makes me feel so insecure.

So much time has passed,
Yet i still feel this way.
Why isn't time doing its job?
Why aren't i forgetting?
Why can't i just get over you?

Day by day,
Another piece of my heart shatters.
No matter how much i try or what i do,
It seems i just can't stop falling inlove with you...

Exfriends.

For many years we've all travelled along this one road,
But now a cross road meets us.
And naturally we all choose our own paths.
Our journey has come to a stop,
Along with our friendship.

I walk alone on this empty street,
Wondering what lays ahead,
Wondering what i left behind,
Wondering if i should turn back and follow the other paths...
I try to fight off my constant "what if's".
This is the way its meant to be,
This is what we decided.
I have no right to change whats already happened.

I continue to walk,
I look back as i argue whether i'm on the wrong track.
I can't help but hate you both right now,
I don't understand how you could leave me so easily.
Through all the pain and conflict,
We always made it through.
There was always resolve.
But this time,
It ends.

Have a good life without me.
Perhaps one day you'll regret,
But whats done is done.

xx