Why do i even bother?

Why is life so complicated?
I realise that i make my life seem worse than it is, i understand.
But still, its too much for someone like me to deal with.
Each day there is a new obstacle to face, a new hurdle to jump over.
Life is like a military course, its designed to make you stronger, smarter, more skillful.
But just like a course, you fall over, you get hurt, you get trapped, you want to just roll over and die.
This is weakness.
This is me.
Thinking that the world is at its end because of what? Someone made me feel like shit?
How pathetic.
Crying, getting angry, over-reacting.
To the extent that i am willing to end my life and face death.
Even accepting the choice of death is stupid.
I suppose that's what i am.
Stupid.
I hate this part of me.
This selfish pride.
I wish i could just swallow it and rid of this emptiness.
This constant feeling that my life is worse than everyone elses.
I'm tired of being vulnerable, i'm sick of being treated like shit.
I want to speak up, but when i try its like i'm lost for words.
I act out on anger which makes things worse.
I get angry, then i become upset, then i regret.
I'm tired of this constant cycle.
This never ending circle of hate and pain.
I want to end it.
I want to be able to smile without regret.
To laugh.
To be truly happy.
To make the people around me happy.
How can such a simple wish be so hard to accomplish?
Here i go again, talking about how crap my life is.
Making it seem like its the worst.
Is it that bad? I'm not quite sure.
I'm not sure of anything these days.
I don't know what i want from life.
From my friends.
From my family.
From myself.
This indecisiveness is killing me.
This is how i feel.
And i feel stupid for feeling this way.
I'm such an idiot.
I think i'm just selfish for wishing for a better life whilst others out there experience greater pains.
Greater obstacles.
Greater problems.
Selfishness and pride.
These are what define who we are.
Everything we believe and act on is based around this.
My pride is selfish.
And my selfishness comes from my pride.
I hate this about me.
I really do.
I hate it to the extent that i just want to melt into the darkness.
And disappear from this sinful world.
This destructive, painful dystopia i have created....