Another day...another blog...

So another day has passed.
A day just like any other,
I wake up and do my usual routine,
Then off to school i go.
School is quite depressing for me.
Year 10 is so dull and boring so far.
Everything is pretty straightforward and easy.
I wish that someone bombed the school or something,
Just so that something new happened.
Each day is the same.
I sleep in the same usual classes,
Friends laugh and act the same way,
Theres always someone who is sad about something i did,
Or didn't do.
I get yelled at for the same reasons.
Its like God planned out my life by the second.
He's not real, i know he isn't.
Even if he was, i don't think he'd be very imaginative.
There is no God in this world.
This is why we suffer.
This is why we all make stupid choices.
This is why we feel pain.
Because of our own misguided actions and instincts.
If there was a God,
He'd make everyone perfect,
And we'd live in a fake Utopia of happiness.
I wonder what is worse,
Living in our society today,
A place full of hate and pain,
A world without God.
Or a fake Utopia where no one could feel pain,
Because we would all be overwhelmed by God's attempt to be perfect.
I don't know if i could ever live a lie and never be true.
I guess it doesn't matter whether there is a God or not.
People are still affected by him.
We don't know if he's there or not.
But just believing that someone is watching over us,
Gives us guidance and faith.
Its quite contradicting what i'm saying.
For me, God is just a made up character.
I'm not up for believing in something so fictional.
There was a point in my life where i thought he was real.
Way back when i was about 10 or 11.
I used to pray to him whenever i cried because something bad happened.
I prayed to be saved.
I prayed to be rid of the darkness and pain that struck me.
But never did he answer my prayers.
Never did he come to my rescue.
God let me down too many times.
This probably explains my hate for those who believe.
But, whatever floats your boat.
How people live their lives does not concern me.
So whatever.
I think i've become very apathetic lately.
Then again, i think i was always apathetic.
Some things however, hit me hard.
And its difficult to brush it off and not care.
Its difficult to not be emotional.
I've lost a lot of people in my life.
Though i have gained new ones,
I can't help but wish for those lost back into my life.
Am i selfish for wanting that?
I think i am.
After all they did walk out,
And i did let them go.
So why am i regretting?
Why am i wishing i hadn't of pushed them away?
Thankfully, my apathy kicked in again.
And i'm back to not caring.
I've shed enough tears,
I've thought it through enough.
Now i'm just sitting back and whatever happens, happens.
Never again shall i initiate anything.
I don't expect the people in or out of my life to treat me well.
Expectations usually end in disappointment.
Its rather sad thinking this way.
But its true is it not?
Isn't living in a careless world so much easier?
I think i'm just being in denial.
I don't want to feel hurt again.
So i'm acting as if i'm unbreakable.
Perhaps if i act enough i can truly become stronger.
Here i go again,
Being in denial.
Running away from reality,
And entering a dream.