Contempt with loneliness.

I always thought of loneliness as a sad thing,
And that only that certain person could rid me from it.
But now i know that it's not always the case.
After all that has happened,
It has really opened my eyes to a lot of things.
I'm no longer looking straight ahead,
But have a new field of vision.
Before, my eyes were only set on one thing,
Now i look around and i see so many other things.
I don't think i have the right to say that i'm lonely,
After all my new discoveries.
Yes, i do wish i could have that certain someone be here with me,
But that's life.
You can't always have what you want,
And sometimes,
You could find something better.
From a certain person,
Becomes certain people.
No one could possibly replace others of course,
But you work around it.
Settling for less?
I don't think so...
Perhaps its more like settling for something that is better suited to you,
Rather than what you want.
Sometimes you're uncertain of what you want,
But perhaps what you wanted isn't anything you've ever needed.
Why waste away your days missing something you will never have,
When you could be out there having fun.
Isn't that the logical thing?
The love will always be there,
But i've realised that,
I don't miss you like i used to,
I don't mind if you're not here,
I don't need to always talk to you,
I don't have to be your number one.
With life comes great sacrifice,
If it's worth everything you have,
You go for it.
Sometimes taking a gamble is worth the risk,
Other times,
Not so much.
You could go all in,
And lose everything.
But sometimes, you might be rewarded for your efforts.
Don't dwell in things which are irrevocable and that which brings you pain,
Instead rid yourself of all the gloom,
And be happy just for the sake of being happy.
Being lonely isn't something unfortunate,
Because now i'm contempt with loneliness...

Acceptance.

The thoughts you hide,
The emotions you ignore,
The words you leave unspoken...
Don't be so stressed about covering up what you want to express.
Say what you wish,
Feel how you want,
Write what you desire.
You don't need to hide everything for my sake.
If you don't want me to know,
Then don't grant me access to what is in your heart...
I accept our past,
I accept your actions,
I accept your intentions.
I forgive you.
Of course, thinking about it bothers me,
But hey, i guess that's my own problem.
You weren't the cause for my sadness,
I was.
The choices i made were my own.
So i shouldn't ambush you with blame,
Or make excuses for myself.
We both know that i will always have that place for you in my heart,
But i guess we both have different places in life.
We won't always get along,
We won't always be at peace,
But...we won't always be at war either.
I don't necessarily need a place in your heart,
I just want to rebuild that friendship which was lost...
____________________________________________

I'm starting to see the silver lining.
I won't bother finding my old self,
Because i never really liked her in the first place.
I think i'm just going to work towards a new me,
Nothing fake of course.
Just taking what i've been through to improve myself.
Change what is changeable,
But still keeping the parts that everyone loves.
I'm not going to try and be perfect,
Because perfection is not what i'm aiming for.
I will always have my flaws,
The things people hate,
But that's what makes me, me.
And if people can't accept it,
Then they shouldn't bother accepting me at all.
Life is tough,
But it is only what you make it out to be, right?
;)

I'll be okay...

The silence builds up,
But my mind won't shut up.
I scream internally,
All my emotions pour out of my heart,
And my eyes cry dry tears.
I keep everything locked up.
I close the door so you can't see,
The pain i hide,
The unspoken words,
The buried emotions.
I can't say i'm okay,
I can't shrug and say its all good,
But i can ignore your presence,
And act like i'm alone.
In a way,
You were never there to start with.
You can't lose what you never had...
So why do i feel like i misplaced something?
Like a part of me is missing?
I don't understand why i feel such pain,
But i still feel fine.
I can be normal,
But all the hurt still remains where you left it.
A dagger through the heart,
A razor through the wrist,
A lie to the ear,
A fake smile to the eyes...
I thought that i could endure it,
But i suppose i was wrong.
I never get anything right do i?
Every time i try to sort things out,
I fail.
Every time i hold onto you,
You slip away.
Every time i miss you,
I die more inside.
Every time i think of you,
I lose my mind.
Every time i remember,
I fall apart...
My heart was so open to you,
But yours was closed off.
You gave her the key,
But left me empty handed.
I tried to break in,
Tried to find a back door,
An opening,
A crack,
Something...
But i found no such thing.
Your heart was so exclusive,
I never really belonged.
I'm left outside in the cold,
The rain is pouring,
Hiding my tears.
Washing away my shame,
Washing away my pain,
Washing away my disappointment,
Washing away my sanity.
I don't need you to say a word,
So remain silent.
I don't need you to be there,
So don't move.
I don't need you to care,
So don't try.
I don't need you to love me,
So don't lie...
The silence is deadly,
But i'll work it out...

My escape.

Day by day,
I'm slowly changing.
I've lost track of who i am,
And i'm not motivated enough to find myself again.
Everyone around me can see the old me dying out,
And a new me coming together.
I used to be a cheerful person,
Someone who's always eager to be in on the fun.
The one who joked around,
Who created happiness.
Now i barely talk,
I barely communicate.
I bury myself in books and drawings,
To distract myself from reality.
When i'm reading it seems like i get sucked into the book,
And all the problems i have disappear.
Slowly i flip through the pages,
Taking in every word,
Every detail,
Imagining what its like.
But then i hear noises,
People voices,
Peoples laughter.
My friends.
They ask me what i'm doing,
They ask what's wrong,
They ask if i'm okay.
I'm not okay,
But i stay silent,
And continue to read...
Sometimes i can't tune them out,
Which results in me moving away from my group.
I sit alone,
Flipping through pages and pages of fiction.
The pages run out,
The chapters all finished,
My novel,
This story,
Ends.
I look down at my book,
How fast i finished it,
How easily i got through it.
And i finally realised,
While reading this book,
I past through almost a whole week without caring about the time or day.
Everything else just faded away,
So did a part of me...
All i remember about the old me was the joy i used to give and feel,
Everything else,
Seems too vague or too far away.
I'm not sure who i am at the moment,
But i know i don't like it.
I don't mind being anti-social,
I don't mind not talking...
I just can't help but wonder,
How much longer it will take,
For my existence to die out.
For everyone to forget me.
For the voices i hear,
The laughter,
The fun,
To become mute silence...

Just Me, Just is.

People think i'm emo,
Just because i have my downs.
People think i'm scary,
Just because i rage.
People think i'm tank,
Just because i'm violent.
People think i'm smart,
Just because i know random facts.
People think i'm dirty,
Just because i like to joke.
People think i'm too negative,
Just because i'm not indenial.
People think i'm too serious,
Just because i don't find them funny.
People think i'm lazy,
Just because i don't do as i'm told.
People think i'm too rebellious,
Just because i couldn't care less.
People think i'm mean,
Just because i'm honest.
People think i'm nerdy,
Just because i like to read.
People think i'm only good for shuffling,
Just because its a hobby.
People think i'm good at drawing,
Just because they're shit.
People think i over-react,
Just because i'm irrational.
People think i have too much time on my hands,
Just because i waste it on nothing.
People think i'm popular,
Just because i get along with people.
People think i'm annoying,
Just because i'm loud.
People think i'm a lot of things,
Just because its me...

M2M?

7:24PM

I'm tired of the tears,
Bored with the pain.
I need to stop this feeling,
Before i go insane.
I'm letting go,
But never shall i forget.
You're the best thing,
That has happened to me yet.
I hear your footsteps,
As you're walking out the door.
I can't remember the last time,
I felt this way before.
As you're leaving,
I lose something else aswell.
A part inside of me,
That has disappeared somewhere i can't tell.
I thought losing you was bad,
But i'm losing him aswell.
I don't know what to say,
You two are the best i've ever had.
The smiles and laughter were endless,
But i guess it all gone.
Here i stand,
Friendless...

Mason, you don't need me. "Aslong as i have you, i am happy". So if you have "her" you will be happy. I'm very angry at you, because you really do take back everything you say. You can do whatever you want with your life Mason. Who am i to tell you what to do. But i just hate being lied to. Because i feel cheap, used and incredibly stupid. I'm not leaving you, i just don't see why i should stay. I'm a third party bystander. I said we could be friends, and we can. But seriously, whats the point? One minute i might run across your mind, and maybe you'll think you care, but soon after i won't mean a thing...

Mykool, our friendship was held together by happiness. I dealt with you when you were upset about her, and you're dealing with me now. But the happiness has died out and there is nothing left to keep us together, and nothing to stop us from parting. Though there is nothing wrong, why do we keep drifting? Though you deny it, i am slowly being replaced by everyone else. All of the other girls you talk to play a certain part of me. I can't say i want you to be here forever, because forever seems too long to be true. But i just want to say how much you mean to me and how much i'm scared...

I'm not a toy...

A little boy walks past a toy store,
He can't help but notice a simple yet appealing teddy bear sitting in the window display box.
His bright eyes light up, and the biggest smile appears on his eager face.
"Mummy, i want it! can i have it?".
The mother looks down on her pleading son,
"Maybe another day sweetheart."
The next day they walk down the same street,
"Mummy can i get it now?"
The mother gives in to his persistence,
And purchases this teddy bear.
Cha-Ching.
The cash register sounds,
Signalling the deal,
The trade.
Money for a teddy bear.
The little boy is overjoyed.
Everyday he plays with this teddy bear,
And cares for it more than anything.
His infatuation with the bear grew and grew til it was outgrown.
A week pasts,
And the teddy bear is falling apart and dirty from him constantly playing with it.
The little boy leaves the bear on the floor,
Completely disinterested,
He forgets about it.
One day the mother comes home with a firetruck,
And the boy throws out the teddy bear as if it meant nothing.
And just like that,
The bear was left in the trash,
Abandoned,
A mess,
Alone.
It no longer existed in the little boys life,
Nor in his heart.
The firetruck is all that matters now.
A bright, red, shiny firetruck is much more appealing than an old, ragged up bear isn't it?
When the boy sleeps at night,
Will the firetruck be comfortable in his bed?
When the boy is sad,
Will the firetruck be satisfactory to hold?
When the boy needs a hug,
Will the firetruck be soft and warm enough?
When the boy is done with the firetruck,
Will he remember the bear?...


When you're so caught up with something,
You forget everything else that is around you.
Memories fade,
If not, are forgotten.
But after all the things you said,
"I love you...don't leave me"...
You could throw me away so easily without hesitation.
I'm not a toy,
You can't just leave me like that when you find something new and are bored of me.
"Why not? I can do whatever i want, get over it."
Because i'm a person,
Not a possession.
You can't do whatever you want,
Because there are always consequences and you can't continue living so selfishly as if you're the center of the universe. You might have been the center of my universe but now you're nothing but a tiny, distant planet.
I tried holding on,
But i guess i'm too weak.
I am over it,
And i'm over you...
Just don't keep reminding me that i'm nothing,
Because unlike you...
I'm the one who hurts.

Just like the bear,
I'm all used up...
But with a little cleaning up and stitching,
I'll be all good,
Perhaps good enough for someone else...