Unreachable...

Today i asked a priest what his interpretation on true happiness was.
He said fulfilling what he wants and needs to do,
Gives him satisfaction that makes him happy and pleased.
He also said that, by following God,
And doing as God wishes for him to do,
Is also happiness for him.
What is happiness to me?
I suppose its being in a place where troubles can't reach you,
And being surrounded by people who make you smile,
And those who make you feel loved.
There is no one to pass hate or pain to you,
And you're never sad.
If that is what true happiness is,
Then i guess i'll never be happy.
I'm all alone against the world.
The one person i thought would never leave me,
Is gone.
He contradicted his promises,
He contradicted everything.
Now that he's gone,
All i'm left with are memories of better days,
And a bunch of broken promises and lies.
I suppose i lack love,
A smile,
And a friend.
Therefore,
For me,
Happiness is unreachable.

Don't leave.

Some say when you lose a friend,
You gain another.
But sometimes,
When you gain back a friend,
You lose someone who means most.
One problem is solved,
And another has appeared.
What do i do from here?
No idea.
Hate and anger is building up in me.
Who am i angry at?
I don't know.
Why am i angry?
I don't know.
But what i do know is that,
I don't want you to disappear.
I want you to stay with me forever.
I want you to remain in my present and future.
I don't want you to become a vague memory.
My selfishness won't let me let go.
How can i let go of the last person in my life?
The distance between us grows,
As each day ends.
One day we'll be in different worlds,
And i'll be all alone.
Will it make you happy if i disappear from your sight?
Will you smile knowing that i'm gone?
Please don't lie to me and say no,
Because your actions prove otherwise.
Maybe, you will regret leaving me behind.
And maybe i'll regret not fighting for my place in your heart.
The path we choose to follow will affect us.
You make your choice,
And i'll make mine.
Only time can tell what happens,
For it is the future we must consider,
And not out foolish present.

Lost.

I feel like I'm trapped in a maze with no exit.
Each direction i take,
It seems that there's a giant wall in my way.
Everything looks the same,
No matter what turn i take,
How far i run,
How much i search.
I'm lost.
How can i find my way out of this place,
This forsaken place with no exit.
My life is a lot like this maze.
Each day is the same.
There's nothing to look forward to,
To strive for,
To hope for.
Do you understand me?
I don't think you do.
Surrounded by nothingness.
This dull life i lead,
Has nothing.
I'm surrounded by walls which stop me from leaving,
Stop me from seeing the outside,
Stop me from escaping this place.
I'm trapped.
This life.
This place.
This me.
Is pathetic.
I try to climb over these walls which detain me,
But they grow taller,
Bigger,
Harder to escape from.
Isn't that just like life?
The more you strive for what you want,
The more problems and obstacles appear?
Can you compare to what i feel?
I don't think you can.
I'm tired of fighting the same battles.
I'm tired with dealing with the same problems.
I'm tired of this life.
I'm tired of caring.
Apathy,
Have you failed me?
I don't like feeling this way.
I don't want to cope with this anymore.
I want to be free.
One day,
I'll break down these walls,
I'll find a way out of this maze,
I'll find my own freedom.

Bad Day.

Today was a very rough day,
In my opinion anyways.
I've been having an argument with one of my closest friends lately,
And yesterday i confronted her about it.
I asked if she had anything to say to me,
And to tell me whatever was bothering her,
But she decided to act like nothing was wrong.
She looked at me as if i was crazy,
She looked at me and said she wasn't lying,
And that nothing was going on.
What a liar.
How do i know she was lying?
Well, today my friend told me that she was bitching about me.
My friend said that she was angry because of a particular thing i did and said.
Its funny, because i swear she said she didn't care and that nothing was wrong.
Quite interesting.
Well I've decided to just ignore the situation.
I've tried to talk to her and sort it out,
But if she just wants to be two-faced about it,
Then fine.
Another thing which made my day shit was i got into an argument with my parents.
It was an ordinary argument i suppose.
However,
Unfortunately for me,
Everyone in my family is violent.
So yea, i ended up getting smashed by first my dad, then mum.
Crazy people they are.
I don't think they deserve being called "dad" and "mum".
Maybe i'll call them "man" and woman".
Or "asshole" and "bitch".
That would be more relevant to them.
People look at me in disbelief when i say i hate them.
But honestly,
I do.
They've never made me happy,
And i've never wished for them to be happy either.
They cause the problems i have in my life.
Of course, i make them worse.
But you know, i am a stubborn teenager after all.
Well, i'm off to clean my room and do a shitload of chores now.
Don't want to be smashed the second time right.

Nothingness...

Lately, I've been feeling quite down and neglected.
It seems like time is barely moving,
And each second that passes is accounted for.
The people around me are changing.
Fast.
I guess i can't adapt to it all.
I don't want things to be different.
I was happy with the ways things were.
Each day i see more alterations,
More changes,
More differences.
One day i won't be able to recognise them anymore.
One day we will fall apart.
One day....
I will lose everything.

My heart feels hollow.
What once pumped blood into my body,
Now dispels poison into my veins.
Everything feels numb.
My heart,
My head,
My emotions.
Everything.
The poison is eating me whole.
Taking away my spirit,
My soul,
My life.
It seems that this "one day" has come.
And now,
I'm left with nothing.

missing you...

On days likes these i just want fall into a deep sleep,
A sleep i don't wake up from.
Living in a never ending dream.
Such pure bliss.
For this dream will have you,
Unlike this reality which has nothing.
I miss you more than ever.
Though you've only been gone for so long,
It feels like an eternity of being solitary.
I'm alone,
And i'm lonely.
How much longer will you have me feeling this way?

Friend? i've never heard of the word...

It seems that i've been forgotten.
By everyone in fact.
You love and care for me?
Such lies.
If you did then why did you let me go?
Why are you making life so hard for me?
I'm not even sure if you can even see me.
Am i invisible?
Am i non-existent?
To think someone who doesn't exist could feel this way.
You're no longer someone i can always run to,
No longer the person i adore,
No longer the person i loved so dearly.
Am i immature for writing this?
Am i stupid for caring?
Probably.
I'm a fool.
I know i am.
After all,
How could you love such a person like me right?
A person who's stupid enough to believe your lies.
A person stupid enough to believe that they were loved.
Don't bother me with your nonsense,
And fake words.
I now see the truth behind your lies.
I don't want you to say you love me,
Because the truth is,
You don't.