The complexities of simplicity.

The worst part about me,
Is the part that i hold most dearly.
It's something that no matter how many times you try to throw it away,
It always comes back to you.
It's something that is only limited to one,
And can never be replaced.
It's something that brings you all the happiness in the world,
But also all the pain and sadness.
It's something that makes you so strong,
Yet so broken and insecure.
It's something that gives you company,
But at times you feel so lonely.
It's something that makes you confident,
Yet so bashful and shy.
It's something that feels so magical,
That it's almost unbelievable.
It's something that no dream could compare to,
Because reality is all that much better.
It's something that is once in a lifetime,
But doesn't always last forever.
It's something that everyone has ever wished for,
Yet is also the most mysterious and feared.
It's something that makes you feel like you're flying,
But your feet has not left the ground.
It's something that makes you smile,
Yet makes you cry more than anything.
It's something that feels effortless,
But makes you work your hardest.
It's something that is so indescribable,
Yet can be summed up in a word.
Love.

I dream that you exist...

I gave away my tears,
As if they didn't come at a price.
Sadness and disappointment in the form of liquid,
Trickling from my eyes like light rainfall.
But at what cost did i suffer,
Exposing these tears to you?
You broke my trust,
And caused me to damage my pride.
"I'll mend your heart",
I guess you couldn't...
Instead you broke what was left of it.
I'm officially over trying to reassemble myself,
Trying to sooth my loneliness,
Trying to find someone who actually cared about me...
It's terrifying being alone.
It feels like i'm fading away,
Or perhaps, the world is fading,
Leaving me behind...
I tried to find my way,
But i ended up wondering aimlessly,
Now i'm more lost than ever.
What can i do?
I stare up at the brightest star in this dark and compelling sky,
I close my eyes,
Hands clapped together in prayer,
And i wish...
Please, come to my rescue...


You're someone who is so much like myself,
Yet so different.
When i'm sad,
I can trust you to be there,
To say that everything will be okay and that you'll always be there.
You're someone who can tolerate me when i'm moody,
But have the courage to tell me when i'm wrong and aren't always lenient of me.
You'll show me what its like to be loved by someone,
Whose smile just lights up my empty world.
Your kisses are so sweet,
It leaves me breathless.
You're someone who doesn't need to tell me that i'm pretty or whatnot,
Because being around you makes me feel so beautiful.
When i look into those adoring eyes,
My heart flutters and i just melt into your gaze.
Every word that escapes those lips of yours,
Just makes me laugh and worked up.
You're someone who will give me courage to keep fighting,
Because being with you is worth all the effort.
Everything will always work out because you're my one and only.
Together we'll live happily ever after,
And prove that perhaps fairytales are real...
It's just a shame...
I haven't met you yet...

My resolutions.

School starts up again in a few weeks, how exciting. Not.
I told myself that this year i'd focus everything on studies, but i'm pretty sure i'm just going to fail in the end.
Each year i tell myself, "study, study, study".
But no, i attempt to, but in the end i just get distracted.
I know i have potential, we all do, but i'm just too lazy.
There's no motivation, and even if i had motivation, i always give up in the end.
Halfheartedness...
It'll be the death of me.
I just wish i could accomplish something, anything, this year...
So i'm going to write up a list, 100 resolutions to be done by the end of twenty ten.

1. Mid-terms. Get atleast 80% for maths & 70% for English.
2. Study, study, study!
3. Only allowed to drink on 3 occasions.
4. Stop/cut down on swearing.
5. Get mostly A's and B's on report.
6. Find a new hobby.
7. Find new fashion sense.
8. Find new hairstyle.
9. Be in a functioning relationship.
10. Go out for coffee with the girls.
11. Buy Lina a birthday present for once.
12. Maintain friendship with all the asians. (Group at school)
13. Forget about "Mr. Lochness Monster" x]
14. Find something other than Cross earrings/necklaces to collect.
15. Get a job.
16. Clean room once every week.
17. Clean house once every 2 weeks.
18. Stop swearing/talking back at mum.
19. Go to dinner with dad once in a while.
20. Learn to professionally cut hair.
21. Learn to pop/freestyle.
22. Don't START doing drugs.
23. Save money. Atleast have $500 at the end of the year.
24. Go running daily in Autumn and winter, granted that its not raining.
25. Lose weight.
26. Only have fast food once a week.
27. Find a new hang out spot.
28. Find somewhere to watch sunset (other than CPP)
29. Watch Avatar: The Last Airbender in movies :3
30. Watch Toy Story 3 in movies.
31. Have a birthday party.
32. Celebrate Christmas for the first time. (Even though i hate Christmas)
33. Watch fireworks on new years.
34. Watch fireworks on Australia Day.
35. Fold 1000 Cranes.
36. Start drawing again.
37. Pay attention in class 80% of the time.
38. Clean brothers room once a month.
39. Sing to Paul.
40. Learn how to play piano.
41. Draw my own design on canvas shoe.
42. Buy iPod speakers.
43. Go to the beach with Mykool. (Last place i'd ever want to be =.=")
44. Eat at a fancy restaurant.
45. Find a substitute for Gatsby.
46. Eat 10 cheeseburgers at Maccaz in one go. (Man, i'm going to die from cholesterol=.=")
47. Don't get involved in any physical fights.
48. Cook something for the whole family for dinner.
49. Eat dinner with family atleast 5 times.
50. Don't dye hair.
51. Count up how many lies i tell. For each lie, i'd give a dollar to charity.
52. Watch 10 new whole anime series'.
53. Watch 2 drama's.
54. Learn to play basketball.
55. Read 20 novels.
56. Complete all homework and assignments.
57. Only 3 hours of internet on school nights.
58. Wake up at 7AM everyday.
59. Eat breakfast everyday.
60. Spend only $6 on canteen food.
61. Eat less =.="
62. Pay for Nandos for the asians.
63. Pay for KFC for the asians.
64. Buy Li new clothes =.="
65. Cut 5 peoples hair.
66. Dye 5 peoples hair
67. Buy Lina waffles.
68. Bake brownies.
67. Bake cookies.
68. Don't argue with teachers.
69. Learn proper Japanese.
70. Only sleep in class once a week.
71. Do gym after school atleast once a week.
72. Make Jenny a jar of green stars.
73. Go to Melbourne.
74. Learn to play all of Chun-Li's combos in Street Fighter IV.
75. Learn to play all of Lili's combo's in Tekken 6.
76. Beat Cindy in Tekken 6.
77. Cosplay for Supanova.
78. Become pro at pool.
79. Go to Royal Show.
80. Go to Adventure World.
81. Go to a movie night at Lydia's.
82. Write my own song lyrics.
83. Sing my lyrics to someone.
84. Draw a portrait of someone.
85. Buy a series of a novel.

Okay, screw 100=.="
I can only think of 85 things.
Good enough.
Well, wish me luck :3

Change?

Everyone has their own roles to play in this world,
Their own battles to fight,
Their own puzzles to solve,
Their own hearts to mend...
Deep within us all is a place where we harvest our strength to pull through all our problems.
Some days that supply will run out or run on low,
So we lean and depend on others to support us.
But sometimes, you just get tired of pulling others down with you.
You get so over having to reach out to others in order for you to survive.
Though you're unable to stand on your own,
You're too proud to ask for a helping hand.
At times you find yourself wanting to step forward,
But are unwilling to accept change, so you stay put.
Sometimes you might even be pushed backwards, but never forward.
The past has always seemed to be the best to me,
Perhaps its because i've lived through it and have had so much time to replay it in my mind and to understand it on every single level and angle.
I suppose we all feel safer with what we know rather than the unknown.
New opportunities present itself right before your eyes,
Trying to hold out a caring and loving hand,
But we hesitate, not wanting to take the chance that could change everything.
We've stood in that same spot for such a long time,
Our minds tell us to just step forward,
Take the risk,
Forget the past,
Move on.
But as always, there is something which stands in the way.
Perhaps its fear,
Or your own comfort in being so used to living this way.
It's hard to accept change,
And we struggle each day, making decisions which control our fate.
"Love" is probably the most challenging thing we'll face in our adolescent and perhaps our adult lives.
There are so many factors and theories behind "love" and i suppose that's what makes it so difficult to understand.
The things we choose and are forced to do because of the love we feel is almost crazy.
After all, "love makes you do crazy things".
Though we fear change,
Doesn't love cause us all to change?
We may change to suit our loved ones needs,
Or change just because of love itself.
Whether it be good or bad, change is inevitable.
Well, change itself isn't what we try to fight.
It's accepting that change,
Or accepting something that can't be changed.

So my question to my bloggers is:
Is it better to dive in,
At risk of drowning...
Or play it safe and remain on the secure and unchanging ground?

Failed getaway.

My escape to Vietnam didn't quite distract me enough.
During the morning, afternoon and night i went out, drank, clubbed...
But by bed time my problems just return.
Sighing myself to sleep,
I try to bat away all my regrets and worries.
No matter how much i try to shut off my mind,
The thoughts wrap around me like a blanket of hate.
Its a new year,
But old habits and problems follow me into 2010.
I want to start over...
But where do i start?

I don't have much to say anymore these days.
Perhaps my blogging days are coming to an end...

New Year. New Start.

A year has passed. Happy new year everyone.
365 days has gone by so suddenly.
Time sure flies, doesn't it?
Before i knew it, 2010 has already kicked in...

It's hard to accept that a whole year has flown by.
During this year, i don't think i really accomplished anything.
Well, i guess that's a lie.
I've learnt a lot about myself and about others.
However, i haven't really seen through my resolutions til the end.
Everything i've done in this pathetic year has been halfhearted.
I suppose that explains why i never succeeded.
A year ago i was a person who was broken down til the end of her limit.
Now, i suppose i'm still the same,
But of course some wounds have healed and i've grown to become stronger and more independent.
Even with such improvements,
I think i wasted a whole year of my life.
Whether it be not focusing on my studies and goals,
Or waiting around for that certain someone.
Either way it all ended in failure.
There is so much which i regret in this one year,
But it's too late for that.
I will not regret the regrettable.
This year came to a stop too abruptly,
It's a bit overwhelming.
But there is no time to be shocked now.
All there is to it,
Is to work towards a better year,
A better future.
Sometimes i come off rather conceited,
My selfishness really is an obstacle.
But one i will overcome.
After all this time i've lost so many loved ones,
But have also gained new friends.
I've forgotten so many memories,
But have created new treasured moments.
I've shed so many tears,
But smiled through all the happiness.
I've broken down,
But have been built up.
I've been heartbroken,
But have been in love.
During this year i've had so many experiences,
Ones which broke me,
And others which made me.
Either way, this year has changed me so many wonderful and horrible ways.
I'm rather afraid of what this new year brings,
But i'm ready for whatever comes at me.
I want to be a better person.
I want to be able to smile without regret.
I want to be able to bring happiness to those around me.
I want to be able to survive year 11.
I want to achieve this with all of my heart...

Goodbye 2009,
Along with all the pain and sadness,
The failures and disappointments,
The drama and mishaps...
And Goodbye,
To you...

2010,
I welcome you with open arms,
And an open heart...

The Princess: Her story. Ch. 3

After an eternity spent waiting locked up in a castle,
The Princess is finally able to see the sunlight and feel its warmth.
Though her Prince Charming never reached her,
She managed to swallow her disappointment and pain.
Day after day.
Week after week.
Month after month.
Year after year.
The Princess sat patiently through her tears and moments of vulnerability,
But now she is able to stand and fight for herself.
After all that time she has finally come to understand that he would never come to her rescue, and perhaps he wasn't who she thought he was.
She fell inlove with the Prince, but he has fallen under a spell that has made him into something that contradicts everything she's ever believed in.
Knowing this, the Princess managed to find the strength within to save herself.
Her obsessive dependence of him would be no more.
By herself she broke the chains that bounded her to her own helplessness.
She kicked down the doors that locked her away.
She tore down the walls which detained her.
By herself...
She was able to escape such a place of sadness and terror.
There was no typical happy ending for her,
But this story is yet to be finished...

Wearing your emotions.

When someone hurts us,
We try to hide the hurt we feel from the one who caused us the pain.
Our pride stands in the way of showing how we truly feel,
Because we don't want to show how weak we become.
But when it comes to me,
I don't really seem to mind.
Everything i feel i post publicly,
If not, i just wear my emotions on my face.
Perhaps that creates an advantage to those who are wanting to hurt me,
Because then they'd know what would cause me to break.
But even with knowing that,
I don't really care.
A lot of people have seen how pitiful i can be sometimes,
And i'm okay with it.
My vulnerability is something i accept.
Of course, it's always easier to lie and act,
Rather than facing all the judgmental eyes out there.
But if you're able to stand it, then why care?
I complain a lot about my life,
So i guess that explains why i write so many blogs.
Its not that i'm after attention or sympathy,
It's just something i'm used to.
I'm an open person,
And i don't mind sharing how i feel and what i'm thinking.
Sometimes it's not really that i'm complaining,
I'm just searching for an answer.
Perhaps i'd come across someone who had more to offer than just "it's okay".
Because sometimes...
It's not okay.
We all put up walls around us,
Some form of defense.
It's to prevent unnecessary damage.
But no matter how many walls i build,
No matter how much armor i'm protected by,
I can still feel all the pain,
Like daggers through my chest.
Why is that so?
Some people can brush it off all too easily,
But with me,
I can feel it...
You see,
Armour and protection can only do so much.
Its the person behind it that counts.
What good is being protected if you can't even defend yourself?
Your defense system is there to absorb some of the impact,
You are the one who possesses true strength.
So perhaps i possess none,
Perhaps i do deep down.
But even so, with every fatal attack,
I die a little more.
I give away so many chances for people to hurt me,
And they take it.
Just as how i take their hits.
Most aim for my insecurity,
Some aim for my heart...
We all feel pain,
Its a result of our emotions.
But we all react differently to it.
Some are stoic,
Others more depressed.
It doesn't matter how you show it.
Deep down we all know what its like to hurt.
I suppose i should try to grow more as a person,
To increase my strength.
But i know there's strength within me,
I once used to be the type to be unbreakable.
I've been through countless things,
And that has helped me to grow...
But i don't know.
There comes a time when you're unable to be around certain people,
So talking about them makes you feel a little more comfortable.
Its like a remedy to numb the feeling you get when you're missing someone.
Sometimes, its the closest thing you'll ever get to being with them...
As fictional as it might be,
It makes you feel better.
So sure, you can feed your pride by acting like you're okay,
Or you can just let your emotions pour out and feel a little closer to the one who's so far away...

Fade To Black.

I'm roaming these dark, deserted streets alone,
In search to find him.
Every corner i turn is empty and blank.
I'm running, my breathing heavy and rapid.
Growing wary and tired i come to a stumbling halt.
I can't seem to find my way,
He's out there but i'm unable to find him.
One minute i had him,
I had it all.
But the lights went out and he disappeared into the darkness.
My anticipation increases,
And i'm growing desperate.
Without him it feels so lonely and cold.
In these unfamiliar streets i feel out of place.
His arms are the only place i need to be.
I'm sick and tired of being alone,
So lost and confused with my own disappointment.
My eyes are searching for him,
But i can't see at all.
Past these run-down buildings,
And unoccupied streets,
Is him.
Somewhere beyond all the unknown,
He remains.
I'm turning around,
Walking in circles,
I feel like i'm on a merry-go-round.
Determination burns within me and,
Naively i pick up my feet,
And go off running without direction,
Without any guidance.
After passing this place for the hundredth time,
I finally realise...
I've been here in the past.
My mind is playing tricks on me,
Causing me to believe this place is somewhere unknown.
But i'm so aware of my surroundings.
This is the place where me and him came to be.
These buildings once were home to our love,
The happiness,
The memories.
But now they remain unattended and abandoned.
I've lost you again,
More than once.
But each time feels so new.
The street lights flicker,
The cold air blowing hair to my face.
I quickly tuck the loose strands behind my ear,
As i look up...
I'm standing here infront of all our memories,
The place where so much happiness and love was born.
Such beauty,
Now left as a broken wreck.
I hesitantly walk towards the door,
A slight turn of the handle,
And a gush of such bittersweet thoughts and imagines invade my fragile mind.
Falling to my knees,
I watch as everything we worked towards get buried under the dust of forgetfulness.
He's left so much regret and heartbreak in one place,
Blended with all the euphoria of the past.
A sudden movement,
I feel the earth under me falter,
Then i look up as i see the ceiling come crashing down.
My instinct tells me immediately to make a run for it,
Heading towards the door i find a road block...
He stands there,
Before my eyes.
After my endless search,
He found his way to me.
But...
He seems so different,
I sense nothing when i'm near him.
I'm positive it's him,
But why do i not feel such a sensation anymore?
I manage to brush off the doubts swarming in my head,
And continue to move before everything comes crashing down.
He stands in the way,
Blocking the route to freedom.
Why won't he move?
It's like he wants me to forever be trapped in this place,
To never be able to move out,
To move on...
In a split second,
I felt my whole world fall on top of me,
Crushing me.
I'm forever detained under the memories,
Bounded by our broken past.
I'll never be able to forget him,
Because he left me buried under it all.
My arms are still reaching for him,
I see a figure ahead of me.
I'm trying to get to him,
I'm pleading for help.
But his figure turned into a dark blur,
And i watch as his back faces me,
And slowly walks away...
Left behind,
I can barely support this stress on my shoulders,
I can barely breathe.
The ache in my heart hurts more than the weight placed on me.
My eyes flutter,
My vision becomes vague,
And my world faded to black...

A Great Love.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

I never chose to feel this way, so why can't i help it?
If feeling this way was an option, then i wouldn't have chosen it.
But why?
Why does my heart feel like its about to disintegrate after every beat?
I tucked away all the pain into a small corner of my world,
But your wind has blown it all my way.
I don't think i can clean up this same mess again.
My universe used to be so full.
There was love and happiness all around.
But now that you're gone, this place looks empty and barren,
As if you took it all away when you left.
I'm cleansing myself with my tears,
But your trace still remains,
Just as your touch to my skin,
Your scent to my nose,
Your beauty to my eyes,
Your kiss to my lips,
And your love to my heart.
The silence says it all,
And these words i'm writing are just absent thoughts.
The feelings fuel the burning within my soul,
From the sparks we made which started the fire.
I suppose our love ran out, and the fire extinguished itself.
I've had the privilege of experiencing a broken heart,
I wonder what i ever did to deserve something so prestigious.
This smile i'm forcing, is just a pigment of my act.
I'm pretending i'm over it to avoid the responsibility that comes with reality.
Over time, things will get better,
It'll get easier to forget the pain,
But i'll never be the same.
And who knows how long it will take for me to learn how to live without you.
The love will forever be there,
But how hard will it be to ignore it?
Pain is inevitable.
But sometimes suffering is not an option.



A great love? It's when you shed tears for him but still you care for him. It's when he ignored you but you still long for him. It's when he starts loving another, and yet you manage a smile and find the courage to say "I'm happy for you."

What has this great love ever done for me?

Emotions.

I just read my friends blog, and she spoke of why us humans feel emotions.
She questioned why we had to endure such feelings whilst animals roamed freely.
So this made me think.
Would we be better off if we felt nothing?
To be honest, i think life is better with these emotions.
Our emotions are what lead us to choose our paths in life.
To be able to make a choice, we need to feel something inside that will help us make up our minds.
If we know it'll hurt if we choose one thing or the other, then we'd be able to make a better decision.
Sure, its tough having to deal with emotions such as sadness, disappointment, betrayal, envy...
But on the other hand we can feel happiness, euphoria, love, enlightenment.
So isn't it worth it?
It works the same way as how i mentioned in my blog prior to this.
When we're able to feel happiness, we must feel sadness.
Give and take.
That is how this world works.
Taking something without dealing with any consequences would make our world unruly.
Its not natural to always be in the right.
To be in the right, sometimes we need to be in the wrong.
Some things in life are worth enduring just to gain something new.
With love comes pain.
With happiness comes sadness.
With serenity comes agitation.
These emotions we feel are the epitome of what makes us who we are.
So perhaps it's not best if we feel nothing, because then our world would be savage.
People could kill eachother just because we don't feel fear or compassion.
Our world would be empty because no one felt curiosity and innovation.
Emotions do damage to our mental state, but as a give and take situation, we are strengthened by it.
We're fueled by emotion.
They keep us functioning.
Without it,
We'd all be nothing.

Escape.

Everything in life comes at a cost.
To be happy, one must endure sadness.
To make friends, one must meet enemies.
To love, one must hate.
To gain something, one must leave something behind.
Sometimes things aren't worth losing something in the process.
Then again, some things are worth sacrificing your whole world for.

It all comes down to decisions.
The choices you make are what sets your future,
Determining what is what.
You can't complain about the negative in your life,
Because it is what you chose that triggered it.
Intentions mean nothing, when your actions are all that people see.

Sometimes its too late for regret.
When you lose or gain something that was never worth it,
Then grieve about it all you want.
Everyone makes mistakes in life,
Its a common fact.
Some mistakes are best left mistaken,
Others could ruin you forever.
But that's what you chose.

Misery is a choice.

You can't turn back time,
But you can look back and relive it in your mind.
You can't take back the past,
But you can keep thinking about the options you missed out on.
You can't chase after history,
But you can convince yourself that you'll find it in your future.

Reality is set.
But you can think whatever you please,
Dream whatever you want,
But its just another form of;
Escapism.

Randomosity.

Tuesday, 1 December 2009
10:13AM

I'm currently at home;Study leave.
My exam starts in 3 hours.
I really should be studying but i have no motivation to right now...

Anyways...
I don't really write much in my blogs anymore, well things about how i am and what i'm feeling anyways.
Sometimes there is a lot that i would like to post, but certain things refrain me from it.
I suppose i'm afraid of notifying certain people about what is on my mind.
After all, some words are better off left unspoken, right?
Its better if i keep things to myself, in order to sustain the happiness of others around you.
Just a word could ruin everything.
I do not want to soil such happiness.
Though i am not happy myself, its comforting seeing that certain person so giddy about life.
I feel kind of silly...
I'm so confused on what i feel to be honest.
One minute i'm fine,
The next i'm crying.
One minute i'm angry,
The next i couldn't care less...
These mood swings are driving me crazy,
I don't know what to do or think anymore...


So many things circle my mind,
It swims around in my train of thought.
I wish i could escape somewhere where these thoughts and questions can't reach me.
I just want answers...
But i know i will never obtain such things to calm my stressed mind.
My heart aches secretly,
Deep down i can feel my heart tugging.
Why won't it just go away?
I'm trying to keep myself together,
But i just keep falling apart.
How much longer will this drag on?
Letting go is one thing,
But what happens when you find yourself holding on again?
Geez...
What's wrong with me?
I'm mentally slapping myself,
Get out of this.
Sigh...

I've tried so many things to heal myself,
To sooth this burning sensation in my heart,
But no cures have come through...
Left to suffer without a soul out there to care.
Such a pitiful person i am.
I can't help but laugh.
I shake my head at how pathetic everything is.
A humorous display of a broken person...

There's no one here,
I'm talking to myself...
Do you think you ever cross his mind?
Probably not, his thoughts are elsewhere i suppose.
Are you okay with that?
Ehh, more or less.
How did things turn out this way?
I don't really know. Life's full of surprises.
Don't you miss him?
Always, but what can you do?
I don't know, i'm the one asking questions here.
My bad...

=.="
Okay, i think its time to study now...

Until next time ;D

Blank.

No words left to say,
No feelings left to express,
No thoughts left to share.

At this point in my life,
Everything has faded to nothing.
The problems have dissolved,
All the hate is gone.
The love has disappeared.
The happiness, unknown.

Nothingness...

How boring.

Fictional Writing;The World Of The Insincere

A girl, her face pale, dark circles ring around her eyes, her hair a mess, deadly tears seep past her eyelids.
This girl is lost in an unfamiliar place,
A place she never thought she'd end up in.
Filled with painted faces and masks; the insincere.
She roams around helplessly, not knowing how she ended up here.
Confusion wells up her mind, as lies well up her ears.
This girl is trying to find her way out of this cruel, untrue world.
Each artificial smile that her eyes come across, feels like another sword just pierced through her fragile heart.
She's trying to convince herself that she'll be fine, that these painted faces will vanish.
But mere excuses will get her nowhere, and she knows that well enough.
Anger and annoyance builds up within herself,
She's fighting to keep it all inside but her emotions fight through her will.
Powerful screams escape her tight lips,
And the insincere stare in amusement.
Here stands a girl, with all seriousness written on her face,
Surrounded by those with synthetic persona.
Slowly, her screams become faint whispers...
The sound of others drowns out her excruciating pleas for help.
The bickering increases, the sounds are abusing and cold.
Compelling, the dark atmosphere consumes the girl...
She can't hold on anymore,
All of these overwhelming events are tormenting her.
Lies can be fatal,
This girl found out the hard way...

One-sided Friendship

After all these years, every mistake you did, every fight you conjured up..
I put up with it, i dealt with your shit, i was the bigger person.
But when i slip up, when i make a mistake, its like the world is ending.
Why is this?
When you want to do something and i complain, you get angry.
But when i want to do something, you complain, and that's okay?
When i want to be calm and rational,
You scream at me over something silly.
When i say the smallest thing that offends you,
You crush my soul with harsh words, but in the end we're all cool?
When you're wrong and i'm the one to apologise first, you have nothing to say?
When you make me cry, you act as if nothing is wrong? That nothing ever happened?
If you're in trouble i drop everything to help you out,
But when i need you, you couldn't care less?
You cause all these problems for me, but i put up with it, because you're my friend.
But can friendship be one-sided?
Why should i continue to be your friend, if i'm treated like the enemy?
I accept your flaws, i understand your bad habits, i know who you are...
But why don't you try to understand me?
Why is it that i'm the one to blame?
I'm only human...
What do you expect from me...
I try my hardest to do everything i can for you,
But in the end...
It means nothing.
I mean nothing.
But as always, after every fight, we act as if nothing happened..
And i will have to keep going through this time and time again...
How much longer can put up with it?
After 9 years...i just don't give a shit anymore...

Breaking free.

The silver feels cold in my clenched hands,
Squeezing tightly, i can feel the chains slowly indenting itself into my skin.
As i walk towards the buildings edge, i think back to how long i've held onto this.
Increasing my speed, i ditch the item within my hands.
Sparkling in the sun, before landing somewhere unknown.
It was due time for me to let go of what i've grabbed hold of for so long.
My eyes are searching for it, my heart full of regret.
But its over.
Lost forever.
My intentions granted.

The charms that once bound us together,
I return to you.
From and simple touch, or glance, brings back the memories of how they came to be.
A present from you to me.
I can't look back without seeing heartache and regret,
So keep it or do as you wish.
I'm slowly ridding myself of what made us, us.
Because "us" does not exist, not anymore.
There is no "we", there is only a you, and only a me.

I swallow these words i cannot voice.
I close my eyes and fight back these tears.
I turn away from these thoughts.
I create refuge for my wounded heart.

A toast to my new beginning.

Answer to your problems.

Lately it seems that everyone has become upset about something about their life.
They are now experiencing what i used to struggle with,
And i must say, it has really opened my eyes.
When i was in their position i used to feel like just dying right then and there,
But after hearing about their own suicidal thoughts,
I've realised how stupid they sound, and how stupid i must've been when it was me.
Of course everyone has their ups and downs in life,
After all, it is what makes us grow,
But sometimes our thoughts just dig our own graves.
Now, as a third person bystander, i can see how pathetic such problems are.
Yes, very hypercritical seeing as i used to be just like them,
But now i suppose i've grown out of depression.
After everything i've gone through,
I find depression kinda boring.
Well anyways, this enlightening topic has conjured up more questions.

Why is it so hard to not belong?
This was a huge problem for me a while back.
I now see that when we feel left out, its just a struggle that comes with loneliness.
Loneliness is something that could destroy a person,
But its something all must face eventually.
And sometimes, our loneliness is all in our heads. If you're surrounded by people who accept you and all, whats there left to be lonely about?
Well, i'm not simple-minded enough to believe that but in a way i do.
Though it is a simple question, why do us lowly humans make it out to be so complicated?
I've come to the conclusion that if you have atleast one person who you care about, and they care about you...
Then that's more than you'll ever need to overcome loneliness...

Why does love hurt so much?
Another situation i've struggled with in the past and i suppose a little at the moment.
"Love" such a controversy.
I personally think "love" is overrated.
We humans destroyed its meaning.
Though "love" is well and truly alive in my heart,
In others, perhaps not.
We all have our different views on it, our own objections, but love is love.
You can't define something so universal.
I think "love" isn't what brings pain...
The person you love or who loves you,
Is what brings you pain.
Of course, rejection hurts and so do lies, broken promises, shattered trust, etc.
When you love someone dearly, you change, in many ways.
It makes you feel so secure yet so vulnerable at the same time.
When you love someone, they understand you better, are able to read you because you let them into the deeper depths of your heart that no other has ever reached before.
Because of this, when things happen which makes the bond falter, we become scared or hurt.
Its not the love that hurts us,
Its the way we feel when the love is unstable. It is ourselves who inflict pain. Sure, the other might have caused it, but it is our strong feeling towards that person, is what hurts us.
At certain points in our life we think that love only brings pain but, it also grants you knowledge.
After your relationship ends, you learn more about yourself, the other person and what you want and don't want.
Past all the hurt and pain, comes understanding and enlightenment.
So in the future, you'll know what you're looking for and you might be able to look past all the things which might have caused the first heartbreak...
So in your new relationship, you can handle things better, and its all because of the one who crushed you in the past...

There are more struggles in the world, these are just the most common i suppose...
That's it for now...
There is always a way to solve a problem, though it might not be an exact answer, there is always a way out...

New realisation.

I was so convinced that the pain i felt would always be there,
Like a permanent scar to my heart.
But now, its as if the scar faded away,
And became one with my heart.
The pain has disappeared and i'm cured from this hurt.
Over time, i've realised that not being with him isn't such a big deal.
I see him with her,
But no longer does it tug at my heart.
I see their smiles,
And i smile with them.
Everything was such a mess,
But now i guess it's all cleaned up.
I was falling apart after just hearing his name,
But its just like any other word now.
Perhaps i've finally learnt to let go and move on.
Letting go; something i've always questioned.
This new realisation has given me an answer,
Letting go is not necessary about forgetting,
More like being able to see them as just a friend,
Being able to stop the constant "what if's",
The constant longing for them...
Letting go means to literally stop holding on.
Just like a dove caught in your hands,
Just set it free.
Watch as everything you've ever wanted, known and loved,
Flies away...
And you're content with seeing it all disappear,
Because you're fine with letting go.
In time things will change,
But i know i will always love him.
I just don't need him to be my everything anymore.
He used to be my world,
Everything revolved around him.
But i suppose his gravity stopped pulling me in,
And i was able to move on.
He was like my balloon,
Just like a child i looked upto it in admiration.
My attention never slipped up,
The balloon had it all.
Then i realised that sometimes other things bring you greater happiness,
So i let the balloon slip out of my fingers,
And slowly float away into someone else's hands...
___________________________________

Hopefully you'll treat her right,
Better than you treated me.
I just wanted to say...
Thank you.
You were mean,
You treated me like shit...
But you let me experience what love was,
And all the pain has made me grow stronger than ever.
I hope you'll be able to experience the same love i felt towards you with her...

Parable; Roses

Sitting by herself in a garden complete with grass and roses, is a little girl.
The air is filled with the sweet scent extruding from the blooming flowers.
Little rays of sun escape the gaps of the clouds, creating a subtle yet warm light.
With such a beautiful and peaceful surrounding,
Her eyes are only set on one thing; the roses.
The bright crimson red, the aromatic smell, all of it is...
The essence of beauty and perfection.
The little girl was so excited to be able to embrace such a sight,
Carelessly she attempts to pick the rose.
Unaware, the sharp, deadly thorns pierced her finger.
Small drops of blood fall to the ground,
Creating contrast with the grass.
Shocked, the little girl curses at the rose and questions why;
Why would something so beautiful hurt me?
Why can't i have you?
Why am i bleeding?
Why does it hurt?
Soon after, another little girl shows up.
Also blown away by the beauteous sight,
She also attempts to pick the rose.
Ignoring the little girl sobbing over her pain,
She manages to avoid the thorns without any struggle,
And delicately picks the rose.
The sulking little girl stands there astonished.
Eventually, hate and jealousy started to build up,
And she lashes out at the roses.
She swears to never touch or go near a rose ever again.
And the other little girl? Well, she can have all the roses in the world.
Of course jealousy will always be there and pain will always linger,
But there are other gardens to sit in,
And plenty of other flowers to pick...

Moral of the story, don't pursue what only brings you pain and sadness...